Amazing Words of Wisdom About Fathering...

June 20, 2010 first published...
WORDS OF WISDOM ABOUT FATHERING... Several years ago I met an angry young woman named Nikki in an Aol chat room. She was angry at God and didn't trust the rest of us all that much either. As it turned out, she had a good reason to be angry. One day as she was walking home from her church youth group, not far from her house, she was abducted by a guy who beat and raped her repeatedly, drove her to the dump stabbed her repeatedly and tossed her lifeless body out like a piece of trash. Somehow she managed to crawl to road and lived. She went through a painful recovery period. In the long run her own father couldn't deal with her, and she went to live with family of one of his friends. I think her father's rejection was almost more painful than everything else that happened to her. One of our other online friends was a pastor and he asked her if she had a chance to say something to the father's of his congregation about how to be a good father, what would it be. Below is what she wrote him. It turned out that part of the reason she was so angry when I met her was a secret she kept from us for a long time... she had cancer and she was dying. But in the process of so many online encounters with several of us, she reconnected with the God she loved as a child, and experienced the real love of friends. When she died she as truly at peace and impacted countless people's lives, including the doctors, nurses, and other patients that saw the transformation and all her friends and adoptive family. I think of her often and the conversations we had. And every father's day I take out her letter, written so many years ago now, to that church and to us all. And each time I'm thankful that God is a Father to the fatherless and that he sees and knows our pain and is crazy about each of us, regardless of how our earthly fathers have done.

Date: 8/23/99 1:43:35 PM Pacific Daylight Time

From: Nikky

Hi Dennis, how are you. I am doing ok. and yes, just ok.

Now for a letter you requested. First I am no expert on how dad's or daughter should behave and everyone is different. but I will tell you what's in my heart and how I feel about things. My suggestions are just that. Take them like you would anything... How does it stack up to the word of God?

I feel very strong about fathers never abandoning their kids. But you know its not just a question of not being there. Sometimes kids are abandoned with the dad still there. They are too involved in their work or something else. Take time everyday to love them and show them they are special. Every girl thinks her dad is next to God. She see him as the smartest and strongest person alive. It makes us feel safe. What happens when we don't feel safe anymore? Where will we go and what will we look for? Remember that who our dads are is who we will look for in a husband. I think God has given men an awesome responsibility in being the head of the family.

Don't ever stop hugging us. The pats on the behind we may outgrow but we never out grow hugs. Talk to us about what you think. We are interested. We want to know that you are ok. That's how we know that we are ok. We will make mistakes. Help us to learn from it without having to be afraid of making mistakes. If we get hurt, we are girls. Let us cry and if we are moody, that's ok. We will not be that way forever. Make us laugh, that is the best thing u can do.

If you are hurt, don't hide that. Let us see that it is ok for you to cry. Again we will be drawn to what we see in you. Would you have your daughter want a man that had no emotions. And its ok to see that you are human. It's what you do with your emotions that's important. Above all, always protect us. I can go a lot of direction with that one. But always protect us. from strangers, from friends (not all friends are good ones), from ourselves (we don't always make the best decisions). If its not going to harm us let us make bad ones. And then lift us up and love us...

Back to friends... We will determine our lives by who we choose as friends so be involved with what we are doing. Make sure that you pick your girls up from school every now and again, even if they take a bus. You will be amazed at what you will learn driving home. Find those insights into our souls. There are a lot of ways to do that. Have a slumber party for your daughters, and just listen and enjoy them. When you get a few girls together you will be amazed at what you will learn. I'm not talking about being sneaky, but just to pay attention. Did you know that the best times to communicate about anything is 15min after an event? Talk about a movie on the way home. Let your girls talk after you pick them up at school. Take them out for a snow cone.

What I'm saying is be involved in their lives. Pray now for God to be raising up godly men for your daughters, and remember that someday you will lose them to another man. But make sure that they are healthy and they pick a man that is like you (examine yourself to see if you are good enough for your daughters). If so, then relax. You have done a great job. As for dating, let them date when they are ready and not before. Being interested in boys doesn't mean that they are ready for dating. But being mature does. It's not a question of age but of maturity. Learn to say no. If a girl knows that she can wrap her dad around her fingers, she'll no longer respect him.

Remember that we are emotional and we need to talk. We feel before we think. Hey, God made us that way. Above all never stop loving us and always be the example that we need. And don't forget to listen to us. Be all that God wants you to be... The kind of father and the kind of husband to your wife that God created you to be. Watch the way you treat your wife. Love her and make her the most important person in your life other than God. How you treat her is how we think we should be treated. God had given you a special ministry... Like the parable of the talents. When God comes back show Him you have made a wise investment. He will welcome you into his kingdom. Let your children be your glory and a testament to your life. They have their own minds and you can't always fix everything. Never tear down their self-esteem. It is so

fragile and harder to put back up. If you make a mistake, say so. It's who you are that counts not perfection. And it's as you have said many times to me... It's who you belong to. Make sure that they find and marry a man who loves the Lord more than them.

Be just the kind of man that I've known you to be. You will do fine and God will take care of the rest.

Love you in the right way,

Nikki

I hope this makes some sense to you>>>>

It does Nikki... I miss you dear friend. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

What Are We Really Looking For?

5/19/2010

When I'm with my friends who are involved in leading ministries, there's always talk about "attracting more young people" to get involved. A lot of times they talk about needing more youthful music, or programs blah blah blah. But I don't think that's really what the "young people" are after. They are after the same thing those of us who are older are after... they are looking for people who care about them. They are looking for real relationships. They are looking for a place where they can be themselves and where people will help them work through the questions they have and hunt for answers together.

There's a lot of talk about authenticity lately. I think it's a good thing. But there's a lot of confusion about what exactly that is. Some people argue that people use it as an excuse to sin and we shouldn't. Other's argue that if we really love Jesus we won't "smoke, drink or chew, or go with girls that do." That's not what I think of when I think of being authentic.

When I was young, I grew up in a pretty abusive home. I lived two lives... the hellish one at home, and the other that I tried to keep separate. I was afraid to let my friends get to close to my life at home. But the result is that I felt fractured. Part of the healing process for me after I became a believer was allowing God to integrate those separate parts of my life into one person. To me, to be authentic means to just be honest about who I am, how I'm doing and what is going on inside of me, as well as my relationship with Christ. That doesn't mean deliberately trying to get away with stuff I think or know is wrong. I just means that I don't try to hide my brokenness. There's a freedom in that. It also creates an environment where my friends and students feel more free to be honest with me too.

Most of my younger friends especially thrive in an environment where they don't feel like they have to hide their brokenness... where they feel like it's ok to come with their questions, and their anger, or their pain, and know that there are people who will still love them. In the midst of that we can heal together. I'm not interested in big, bitchin' worship, or zippy video. I'm not interested in great sermon delivery. I'm interested in sharing life with other people who I know will support and pray for me. I love it when the church functions as a family. Here's to more real connection going on.