Raw Faith... Real World

Amazing Words of Wisdom About Fathering...

2010-07-23T20:49:00.000-07:00

June 20, 2010 first published...
WORDS OF WISDOM ABOUT FATHERING... Several years ago I met an angry young woman named Nikki in an Aol chat room. She was angry at God and didn't trust the rest of us all that much either. As it turned out, she had a good reason to be angry. One day as she was walking home from her church youth group, not far from her house, she was abducted by a guy who beat and raped her repeatedly, drove her to the dump stabbed her repeatedly and tossed her lifeless body out like a piece of trash. Somehow she managed to crawl to road and lived. She went through a painful recovery period. In the long run her own father couldn't deal with her, and she went to live with family of one of his friends. I think her father's rejection was almost more painful than everything else that happened to her. One of our other online friends was a pastor and he asked her if she had a chance to say something to the father's of his congregation about how to be a good father, what would it be. Below is what she wrote him. It turned out that part of the reason she was so angry when I met her was a secret she kept from us for a long time... she had cancer and she was dying. But in the process of so many online encounters with several of us, she reconnected with the God she loved as a child, and experienced the real love of friends. When she died she as truly at peace and impacted countless people's lives, including the doctors, nurses, and other patients that saw the transformation and all her friends and adoptive family. I think of her often and the conversations we had. And every father's day I take out her letter, written so many years ago now, to that church and to us all. And each time I'm thankful that God is a Father to the fatherless and that he sees and knows our pain and is crazy about each of us, regardless of how our earthly fathers have done.

Date: 8/23/99 1:43:35 PM Pacific Daylight Time

From: Nikky

Hi Dennis, how are you. I am doing ok. and yes, just ok.

Now for a letter you requested. First I am no expert on how dad's or daughter should behave and everyone is different. but I will tell you what's in my heart and how I feel about things. My suggestions are just that. Take them like you would anything... How does it stack up to the word of God?

I feel very strong about fathers never abandoning their kids. But you know its not just a question of not being there. Sometimes kids are abandoned with the dad still there. They are too involved in their work or something else. Take time everyday to love them and show them they are special. Every girl thinks her dad is next to God. She see him as the smartest and strongest person alive. It makes us feel safe. What happens when we don't feel safe anymore? Where will we go and what will we look for? Remember that who our dads are is who we will look for in a husband. I think God has given men an awesome responsibility in being the head of the family.

Don't ever stop hugging us. The pats on the behind we may outgrow but we never out grow hugs. Talk to us about what you think. We are interested. We want to know that you are ok. That's how we know that we are ok. We will make mistakes. Help us to learn from it without having to be afraid of making mistakes. If we get hurt, we are girls. Let us cry and if we are moody, that's ok. We will not be that way forever. Make us laugh, that is the best thing u can do.

If you are hurt, don't hide that. Let us see that it is ok for you to cry. Again we will be drawn to what we see in you. Would you have your daughter want a man that had no emotions. And its ok to see that you are human. It's what you do with your emotions that's important. Above all, always protect us. I can go a lot of direction with that one. But always protect us. from strangers, from friends (not all friends are good ones), from ourselves (we don't always make the best decisions). If its not going to harm us let us make bad ones. And then lift us up and love us...

Back to friends... We will determine our lives by who we choose as friends so be involved with what we are doing. Make sure that you pick your girls up from school every now and again, even if they take a bus. You will be amazed at what you will learn driving home. Find those insights into our souls. There are a lot of ways to do that. Have a slumber party for your daughters, and just listen and enjoy them. When you get a few girls together you will be amazed at what you will learn. I'm not talking about being sneaky, but just to pay attention. Did you know that the best times to communicate about anything is 15min after an event? Talk about a movie on the way home. Let your girls talk after you pick them up at school. Take them out for a snow cone.

What I'm saying is be involved in their lives. Pray now for God to be raising up godly men for your daughters, and remember that someday you will lose them to another man. But make sure that they are healthy and they pick a man that is like you (examine yourself to see if you are good enough for your daughters). If so, then relax. You have done a great job. As for dating, let them date when they are ready and not before. Being interested in boys doesn't mean that they are ready for dating. But being mature does. It's not a question of age but of maturity. Learn to say no. If a girl knows that she can wrap her dad around her fingers, she'll no longer respect him.

Remember that we are emotional and we need to talk. We feel before we think. Hey, God made us that way. Above all never stop loving us and always be the example that we need. And don't forget to listen to us. Be all that God wants you to be... The kind of father and the kind of husband to your wife that God created you to be. Watch the way you treat your wife. Love her and make her the most important person in your life other than God. How you treat her is how we think we should be treated. God had given you a special ministry... Like the parable of the talents. When God comes back show Him you have made a wise investment. He will welcome you into his kingdom. Let your children be your glory and a testament to your life. They have their own minds and you can't always fix everything. Never tear down their self-esteem. It is so

fragile and harder to put back up. If you make a mistake, say so. It's who you are that counts not perfection. And it's as you have said many times to me... It's who you belong to. Make sure that they find and marry a man who loves the Lord more than them.

Be just the kind of man that I've known you to be. You will do fine and God will take care of the rest.

Love you in the right way,

Nikki

I hope this makes some sense to you>>>>

It does Nikki... I miss you dear friend. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

What Are We Really Looking For?

2010-07-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

5/19/2010

When I'm with my friends who are involved in leading ministries, there's always talk about "attracting more young people" to get involved. A lot of times they talk about needing more youthful music, or programs blah blah blah. But I don't think that's really what the "young people" are after. They are after the same thing those of us who are older are after... they are looking for people who care about them. They are looking for real relationships. They are looking for a place where they can be themselves and where people will help them work through the questions they have and hunt for answers together.

There's a lot of talk about authenticity lately. I think it's a good thing. But there's a lot of confusion about what exactly that is. Some people argue that people use it as an excuse to sin and we shouldn't. Other's argue that if we really love Jesus we won't "smoke, drink or chew, or go with girls that do." That's not what I think of when I think of being authentic.

When I was young, I grew up in a pretty abusive home. I lived two lives... the hellish one at home, and the other that I tried to keep separate. I was afraid to let my friends get to close to my life at home. But the result is that I felt fractured. Part of the healing process for me after I became a believer was allowing God to integrate those separate parts of my life into one person. To me, to be authentic means to just be honest about who I am, how I'm doing and what is going on inside of me, as well as my relationship with Christ. That doesn't mean deliberately trying to get away with stuff I think or know is wrong. I just means that I don't try to hide my brokenness. There's a freedom in that. It also creates an environment where my friends and students feel more free to be honest with me too.

Most of my younger friends especially thrive in an environment where they don't feel like they have to hide their brokenness... where they feel like it's ok to come with their questions, and their anger, or their pain, and know that there are people who will still love them. In the midst of that we can heal together. I'm not interested in big, bitchin' worship, or zippy video. I'm not interested in great sermon delivery. I'm interested in sharing life with other people who I know will support and pray for me. I love it when the church functions as a family. Here's to more real connection going on.

The Life Creative...

2010-02-20T01:59:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm sitting here thinking about living life as a creative person. I've pretty much made a living being creative my whole life. Even in high school I missed the job at Jack in the Box, serving up hamburgers and things that vaguely resemble tacos using my photography to make money. I learned early on that I could photograph all the people who tended to be self absorbed... i.e. the people in drama and the various music groups, and when I was really desperate... the jocks. Then I would make 8 x 10's of them and sell the prints to them. It beat the heck out of the alternative, and gave me time to pursue my other interests instead. I worked hard to become a better photographer and to become better at the darkroom work to support it.

I also went out of my way to get better as a musician. Since my parents refused to spring for music lessons I worked at playing the bass so I could play with guitarists that were better than me so I could watch them and learn from them. I went to concerts and watched the guitarists, trying to glean anything I could from their playing. I spent hours alone practicing... and slowly but surely I got better.

So many people I know are wanting to pursue music or other creative endeavors, but they don't want to put in the hours it takes to hone their craft. I see that all the time as a music teacher. A lot of my students want to be able to play well. Few of them are willing to put in the extra effort to go from being able to play through something, to making it great. It's the difference between creating like you are cramming for a test, or creating like you want to be able to play it for life.

We're a society of people who are rushing from thing to thing at a breakneck pace, with constant noise and stimulation. There's always the T.V., or the iPod or the cell phone... something to distract us from just being quiet in the moment. The creative process needs time to happen. We need to have time to think... to imagine... to write, to try different ideas on our instruments. I want to continue to improve as a musician, as a photographer and as a writer. To do that I have to step away from the distractions and make the time to actually do it.

You can open the entertainment section in any paper in any city and look at the ads for people playing locally. A lot of them will not be that good. But they are there playing because they had the creative work ethic to take the time to rehearse and show up. If we are serious we need to take the time pursue the creative part of our life and not allow it to get sidetracked by all the other things competing for our time.

Heather Youmans, one of my bass students, is a great example of being willing to work hard to pursue her creative dream. In the midst of a crazy academic load in high school, she's faithfully plugged away at honing her craft creatively. She's spent years developing her voice and her acting and dancing talents. She's really applied herself to the nuts and bolts of bass playing as well. She's taken the time to do the "hard boring part" of it all. She's worked at the scales and the music theory. She's spent the time working at developing her ear and learning to read music. Along the way she's become a good bass player who can actually sing, front a band, and play bass all at the same time. She's been doing soundtrack work for several years and her own album is releasing soon. It hasn't been easy. She's spent a lot of hours practicing. She's spent a lot of hours in the studio and rehearsing. But she's ready. I have other students who want to be musicians or singers that I've been teaching as long as I've been teaching Heather. They are no closer to their dream though because while she's been hard at work they've been busy with other things and spending most of their down time partying.

Over the years I've known a huge number of incredibly naturally talented people who've gotten no where because they weren't willing to put the extra work in to achieve greatness. I've also known a lot of people who've developed into really good players and have had success creatively because while they were less naturally gifted, they had a hunger... a passion to develop their art and they took the time to perfect their craft.

I want to keep creating. I never want to rest on what I've done in the past. God save me from the incessant noise and distractions that go on all around me. Help me to take the time to work at my craft as well. May I continue to find ways to encourage my other students to be more like Heather and put elbow grease to their dreams.

Here's Heather's current music video:

My Life Is Not Twitteriffic

2009-06-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, June 24, 2009 (1:13am)
My Life Is Not Twitteriffic...

Yes, I have a twitter account. I actually check it every few days to see what my friends are doing. Normally I sit there trying to think of something to write in 140 letters or less, or however many they give you to make a definitive statement about your life. Normally the best I can come up with is "gee, nope... I still got nothin'" Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't have plenty of things going on that are meaningful to me. (Although about 90% of what some of my friends post I would file under T.M.I. I don't really need to know about when they get their nails done... or in the case of some of the guys... the details of their bowel movements. It's like we've all reverted to being back in summer camp.)

I do think it's interesting though that there's some kind of built in desire in most of us for connection, even if it's just quickly touching base. Twitter is great for that. Sometimes these wonderful little gems slip by just when I get a chance to look. Tonight one of my friends was writing a mutual friend there she had this great quote for her: "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."That quote from Khalil Gibran was just what I needed to read at thatmoment.

Normally the real stuff my life is made of just doesn't work on Twitter.A lot of the stuff I look at as really eventful has to do with relationships. They are quiet moments that don't condense well.Twitter is great for action stuff... "I'm going here... I'm doing this... I ate this... I just saw... etc." All those things can be fun for me to read. The truth is that I spend about 12 -14 hours a day in my teaching studio with a steady stream of people coming in and out every half hour. All of them are these amazing, unique individuals that I get to interact with. Part of what happens here is that I teach themhow to play an instrument. The greater thing that happens here is that we effect each other's lives.

For some reason, many times people start lessons with me at major turning points. They are looking for something that will be fun and entertaining and will help take away some of their stress andhelp them focus on something else for awhile. Some of them show upwhen an important relationship has just ended. Others come because they are care givers to someone who is very ill and they need a break.The teenagers I teach normally just want to have fun playing music.Still they always have the daily stresses of trying to navigate a worldthat isn't always friendly to them, while they are trying to figure outwho they are. I love watching them grow. There are always so many stories.

Sometimes life gets overwhelming to me. My work schedule is brutal and I just get exhausted. But I love my students. I love who they are. Ilove their stories. I love getting a ring side seat to watch their livesunfold. A couple of things happened recently right when I wasdoubting my sanity at choosing my current profession. Neither makes good twitter material but both were wonderful in their own way.

I got a phone call from one of my old students wanting to come back and do some more lessons. She left a message on my answering machine. She said "I don't' really remember that much about the guitar part of our lessons, but I do remember that you helped get me through a really dark season in my life and I'm doing a lot better now." It's easy in the midst of the tiredness to forget that how we interactwith each other can be life changing. (It also turns out she remembered a lot more guitar than she gave herself credit for too.)

The other incident involved one of my old students. When we met,she had just ended a long term relationship with someone she lovedbut who wasn't good for her ultimately. She was questioning if shewould find someone else she would be really compatible with. As timewent by she did meet someone and fall in love. They were married and after a series of miscarriages had a healthy baby boy. She's hadan amazing journey. We were having lunch together. She was holdingher son, who's just getting strong enough to hold himself up. His back was leaning against her. In the middle of our conversation he reached over incredibly tenderly and put his hand on her cheek and put his head next to hers. At that point we both got teary eyed. I could tell that for both of us that one gesture on his part summed up her life journey. I'm so thankful to have the chance to be there to witness it.Such is my life. But for twitter... "nope... still got nothin."

... SO TRUE

2009-04-15T04:35:00.000-07:00

New Life for a Rock Star...

2009-03-03T00:57:00.000-08:00

Brian "Head" Welsh was the guitarist from the rock band Korn. This is his story in his own words...

15 Albums That Influenced My Life... The Cheaters Version...

2009-02-21T23:39:00.000-08:00

TO MY BLOGSPOT FRIENDS...

This is one of those surveys that has been making it's rounds on facebook. I decided to post it here too because music is an important part of my life. Most of this list contains material that helped shape who I am as a musician now during my "formulative years." Music was a great outlet for me when I was young, and one of the few safe places to express what was really going on inside of me. It helped me to deal with the the trauma I experienced as a child and as a teenager. Here's my entry as it appeared on facebook:

Think of 15 albums, CDs, LPs (if you're over 40) that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life. Dug into your soul. Music that brought you to life when you heard it. Royally affected you, kicked you in the wazoo, literally socked you in the gut, is what I mean. Then when you finish, tag 15 others. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good. Tag, you're it...

FROM LINDA:
Ok, so I’m never good at playing by the rules, and you can’t expect a music teacher with a bizillion albums to be able to hang with 15 albums. I decided to divide stuff up by musical grouping part of the time with the stuff that shaped and formed my life and the way I play. There could have been a lot more.

Motown - (Early 60's) Some of my earliest memories in California were hanging out with my next door neighbor listening to early Motown, especially Diana Ross & The Supremes.

The Beatles - Life as we previously had known it would never be the same after they showed up. For me it was not one of their albums it was the total package and the way they kept changing and morphing and creating such an amazing variety of really good music. I wanted to play the guitar after that. I learned about the power of a great melody from them. So many of their songs had these out arrangements on the recordings, but most of them still work with one acoustic guitar. It was because of the Beatles and The Beach Boys album, Pet Sounds that I became interested in multi-track recording.

Led Zeppelin - (1969 - 1980) I was blown away by their creativity and the sheer variety in their music. I think all of them were amazing musicians individually and together I don’t think there’s ever been a rock band that’s quite that strong as a unit.

Great guitarists, most who died too young. These guys totally influenced my life and my playing just a few of them were Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Eric Clapton, BB King, Buddy Guy, and Bonnie Raitt. (On a side note I would love to have her voice.)

Singer/Songwriters: Cat Stevens - Tea For the Tillerman (1970) Helped me see the power of the song. Simon & Garfunkel -Bridge Over Troubled Water (1970) All these years later I’m still blown away at the power and beauty of these songs. Bruce Hornsby - The Way It Is (1986) That album, and especially that song, still powerfully resonates with me. That was the theme song for my life for a long time. The basic idea... people say this... "but don’t you believe it."

Carole King - Tapestry (1971) The first album I ever saved up my own money to buy. I loved the lyrics and melody and the percussive piano playing. I wore it out from playing it so much. It was the album that helped me survive middle school, my mother’s death, and the sudden death of my childhood.

Neil Young (All the early stuff) I loved his rawness and crustyness.
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - The guitars! The Harmonies! (Especially Deja Vu)
David Crosby - If I Could Only Remember My Name (1971) I was stunned by the harmonies and the music.

ZZ Top - Tres Hombres (1973) La Grange and Jesus Done Left Chicago Robin Trower - Bridge of Sighs ( 1974) Both of these bands made me want to play blues rock in a big way.

U2 - Their early albums were so passionate. They are still a great rock band. Every worship guitarist on the planet owes a debt to The Edge.

Progressive Rock - At the same time I was starting to play blues rock I was also drawn into progressive rock. Some of the first stuff I played in bands in high school was in weird timing etc. Some of the bands I loved to listen to and play on guitar were early Genesis, Gentle Giant, Yes, Emmerson Lake & Palmer and later Dream Theater and Rush.

Christian Artists: 2nd Chapter of Acts - With Footnotes (1974) Raw Christian music with good lyrics and amazing vocal harmonies that would go from "pretty" and almost too vibrottoy to edgy screamy rock. When Annie Herring sang "He took away my sin and shame," I knew it was true for me too. Seeing them live a bunch of times was amazing. They did a tour that was them, Phil Keagy, Barry Mcguire, David Souther and some other great musicians that made me want to get better on my instruments. KEITH GREEN - His whole body of work (1975 -1982) Keith was an amazing songwriter and musician. I loved seeing him play live and at home in California during the early days of what would become Last Days Ministries. I think his death in a fiery plane crash in 1982 was the catalyst for a much needed reevaluation among many in the contemporary Christian music industry. A lot of people didn’t like him because he was so extreme... but I did notice that a lot of the artists that had been straying away from their original ministry goals did refocus after that. RICH MULLINS - Such a great songwriter and odd guy who didn’t give into the system and wasn’t perfect... a good role model. DANIEL AMOS/DA - These guys were way ahead of their time and were one of the most creative bands to ever get pigeonholed into the CCM category... Alarma and Doppelganger are amazing.

Stevie Wonder - Innervisions (1973) and Songs In the Key of Life (1976) - Completely amazing. The rhythms.

Heart - Dreamboat Annie (1976) and Little Queen (1977) I grew up in a world without many female rock roll models. Here were women who could sing like crazy and play too. It’s sad that I was a senior in high school before these guys showed up on the scene.

David Wilcox - Once again it’s not just one song or album. It’s the entirety of his career. David’s not that well known, but he’s an amazing songwriter and guitarist. He’s that rare breed of musician who’s not interested in being a rock star. He wants to practice his craft and be able to support his family. He tackles tough issues and sings about faith in a way that makes the gospel live without cramming it down peoples throats. He uses weird tunings, and makes the acoustic guitar sing.

Patty Griffin - Living With Ghosts (1996 ) I’m overwhelmed by the power of one focused voice and guitar with passion and great material. I never get tired of listening to this album... or any of her stuff for that matter. I want to be like her when I grow up.

Welcome to My World...

2009-01-11T18:59:00.000-08:00

I am a fortunate woman. I get to do something I love for a living. More than that, I get to do it as a vocation. Every week I see an amazingly diverse group of people who show up at my door ready to learn how to play different instruments, or how to write songs, or lead worship, or a variety of other music related things. Each one of them is unique. Each one of them brings something different into my world... that's for sure. It can be a noisey, messy, crazy time. It can also be aggravating at times challenging. But I still love it. I love watching kids eyes... their whole faces light up when they get something the first time. Anyway, enough yammering. In December, a bunch of my students... aged 6 - 60 played Smoke on the Water while I videotaped them. We edited all those together so everyone could get their 5 seconds of fame. I think you'll enjoy it. Proving once again that music is a lot about just having a good time.

More of the Best of the Next Generation...

2008-12-17T02:35:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 (2:10am)
More of the Best of the Next Generation...
One of my favorite things about teaching is having students who are like sponges. I can teach them the mechanics of what they need to be able to play their instruments... but they have the passion and the fire that inspires them to push forward and use that knowledge to create something beautiful or significant.

Rachel is someone like that. She wanted to be able to play worship music. She’s worked really hard to learn her chords and her strums and all that stuff. But more importantly, she’s internalized the songs and made them live for herself and the other’s she plays for. She’s only been playing for a little over a year but she has tons of songs memorized already.

More than anything I love the purity and the innocence of what she’s doing. In a world that tries to take music and warp it into something ugly, it’s beautiful to see it in such a pure form. It is such a gift for me to be able to see that. It’s my prayer that it always stays that way for her. When I was in 7th grade I began a relationship with God that was new and foreign to me. I was never raised around faith at all... quite the contrary. But the main reason I wanted to pick up the guitar and play it was to express something to God that I was having such a hard time expressing with words. I had a profound sense of gratitude and awareness that my life would never be the same. In Rachel I see myself at that age. The bottom line for me is that sure I love to rock n’ roll. I love to play rowdy music... but there is nothing I love as much as sitting alone with my guitar and doing exactly what Rachel is doing here. Welcome to a glimpse of what is best in my world.

Some Opening Thoughts On Christmas...

2008-12-15T00:19:00.000-08:00

Sunday December 14, 2008 (11:39pm)
This has been sort of an interesting Christmas season for me. The economy and the resultant unexpected loss of students, and the recent due date of property taxes pretty much nixed any monetary celebration of Christmas this year. But that really hasn’t bothered me that much. When I went to pay the property taxes I found myself very thankful to be able to pay them one more time. All the recent upheaval with the economy has made me more committed than ever to work towards living more simply and being thankful for what we do have.

We live in a country with so much abundance. It’s easy to loose sight of that with the news blaring at us and the incessant advertising trying to convince us that our life will be less fulfilled without those new granite counter tops. I realized recently that one of the benefits (and pitfalls) of being self employed is that I’m always aware that we live in a world where very little is certain. There is no guarantee that our money and health, relationships and employment will remain the same. I’ve found myself turning off the news more, and trying to be in the moment with my husband, my friends, and my students.

Traditionally Christmas is a tough time of year for me. I’ve had to learn ways of dealing with it other than just slipping into depression. To celebrate the season in a more meaningful way I decided it would be fun to do something special for my students. I’ve been video taping them for the least week and will continue this week. Instead of doing one of those dreadful recitals that kids dread and parents hate finding time for right before Christmas, I’m putting their videos on a special youtube page that can be found at lindabstudents You’ll find a wacky bunch of videos... some by people who’ve only been playing their instruments for a few weeks. What I’ve loved about it is how they just enjoy playing for the joy of it. All of them played a simple version of smoke on the water... Ken is editing them together into a wacky video Christmas card that will be up later this week. I’ll start putting up some videos here too for you to check out. I dare ya to throw yourself into something like these students. They always inspire me. When I post the videos I’ll post a little about them too.
In the mean time, in the midst of all the running arounding, I’m thankful again for a place to live, family and friends who love me, a job that lets me be a part of so many kids lives to learn from them, and the tender care of a loving God who chose to come be part of our world. Merry Christmas.

A Christmas Gift From One Of My Students...

2008-12-15T00:13:00.001-08:00

One of my favorite things about teaching is watching my students take the raw material that I give them and then bulid on it to make it something different, and a lot of times better. Here is a video of one of my students... Ryan Palmer. He was working on one of my arrangements of Silent Night. He changed some of the chords to give it a slightly darker feel. I love what he did with it. That's one of the things I love about him and his music. I think you'll enjoy it too. If you have a youtube account, stop by and give him some feedback.

Something Good And Meaningful...

2008-11-13T01:51:00.000-08:00

Here lately I've been posting some pretty silly videos. I'm always amazed at all the horrible things around on youtube. But there are some real gems too. I personally really enjoy Lifehouse. We do a few of Jason's worship songs at the church I go to. There is a vulnerable quality to a lot of his song writing. Here's an acoustic version of their current video to help cleanse your mind from the horror fest below. Enjoy

Reflections on Election Day

2008-11-11T00:29:00.000-08:00

This was originally published on Myspace on election day...
Tuesday, November 4, 2008 (10:02am) Election Day

Ken and I went and voted this morning in the pouring rain. Somehow that matched my mood. I'm thankful for the pouring rain however. This has been a very divisive election. Here in California, not only with the presidential race but with the propositions. I personally was not all that thrilled with either choice for president.

But it is my hope and my prayer that in the aftermath of this election... however it turns out, that we as people, more than democrats or republicans, conservatives or liberals, will be able to come together again showing mercy and forgiveness to each other and move forward. May we as individuals and together take responsibility for our country and our world and not leave it to the professional politicians to shape the outcome. Our leaders can't save us, and they can't control our destinies. We can choose to love and care for each other.

Those of us who live our faith can choose to faithfully pray for whoever is our next president. He is going to need all the help he can get! Lets choose to love and care for each other as family and work together in the midst of this dark season. I am hopeful that in these trying times we as a people will remember what's really important, which is caring for each other, more than our "stuff". May God help us all.

And whatever you do, don't forget to go out and vote.

Brought to you by the You Spin Me Right Round Guy...

2008-10-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

Ok... so I found out the guy's name is Rick Pino... a fairly well known worship guy. But once again I ask... What WAS he thinking?????????

For Those Of You Who Missed The Most Horrible...

2008-10-04T10:10:00.000-07:00

A lot of you have said you missed the last wonderfully horrible video... unfortunately the cult that made it keeps pulling it... but if you type in The Renewed Mind it's liable to pop up again. This video is from the comedy show TALK SOUP where they did a story on that video and might actually be better because it has the highlights... or lowlights. Enjoy.

The Most Wonderfully Horrible Video Of All...

2008-10-01T00:31:00.000-07:00

Ok... maybe the worst so far. This was the one that got me started down this road of musical dreck. I was saddened when the cult that actually filmed this yanked it when it was going viral. Some other wonderful soul reposted it on youtube for our listening pleasure... or comedic amusement. Any way... enjoy.

Wonderfully Horrible Part 2 ...

2008-09-17T10:03:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I can't wait to share this amazing tidbit with you. It's got horrible buzzing at the beginning as he's pratteling on about stuff... if you can fastforward to the singing... just know at the beginning he suggest that people make themselves comfortable and find something to spin around like a sock or a shoe or their keys... nothing better than a thousand sweaty bodies with dirty socks bouncing around... once again make sure you experience the full clip or jump through it in small increments ... you wouldn't want to miss the holy ghost hoe down or the rest of the medaly. I do confess that this might just be the worst worship ever as it's youtube name implies.

The scary thing to me is that rather than looking at the guy in disbelief, all those people dutifully did exactly what he said to do. Anyway that's a subject for another whole blog. Enjoy this one! For those of you who are older... WARNING: 80's flashback may occur.

Wonderfully Horrible...

2008-09-17T10:03:00.000-07:00

This is the reason people who are not in the Christian subculture think we are nuts. This video is wonderfully horrible. To appreciate it's full horribleness make sure you watch it all the way through to catch the lyrics. You might be thinking to yourself... "self, this is the worst worship video I've ever seen!" But you would be wrong... wrong I tell you. I'll try to post the next one soon too. I'll give you a preview though... think bad 80's secular hit songs... some of the lyrics to that one are "you spin me right round Jesus right round." and "throw your hands in the aa---ya and wave um like you just don't caaa----ya"

And Now For Something Completely Different...

2008-09-16T09:11:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 (8:30am)
And Now For Something Completely Different...

A couple of days ago I was looking at one of my student’s blogs. She had put her ipod on shuffle and then picked obscure lyrics from the songs that were the first 10 and put them up to see if people could identify them. Most of them were from bands who’s members are younger than most of my guitars. The only one that probably should have looked vaguely familiar, given my ancient age was "the girl with kaleidoscope eyes" (Ok you old farts... certainly you know this one.)

The scary thing was not only did I know all the bands, even if I was fuzzy on a few of the titles of the songs... but I actually knew the lyrics. Of course this particular student has a similar brain to mine and it’s not too surprising that she would have written those particular lyrics down. Hopefully she will be able to mock her friends sufficiently that the really old chick knew more than they did.

But the bigger lesson for me was a reminder about how much I learn from my students and how much my life is better because they almost force me to continue learning. I had lunch with one of my former students the other day... she’s a senior in high school now and she asked me if I ever learned things from my students and it made me start thinking about it.

I think as we start getting older we tend to fall back on the familiar, partially because it’s easier or we’re too tired to care. What was it that Bob Dylan said...???? "I used to care, but things have changed." But my students show up with new music week after week they are excited about. Sometimes at first listen my brain screams "why in the world would ANYONE like this stuff?!????" But because I care about them and most of them do have functional brains, my next thought is... let me listen to this more and see what it is about this that is making them so excited. I start listening with different ears. Thanks to them I definitely have eclectic taste in music now. Some of the music that is being produced by this generation is amazing for various reasons. Disco was the soundtrack of my generation in our teens and twenties... how horrible is that? Granted, some of the music being produced now is horrible either because of it’s lyrical content or it’s annoying music (don’t get me started on most rap and hip-hop) but some of it is wonderful too. So on the music front I decided to put up some music on my myspace page occasionally that might be different for some of you who are a little older, but is an example of what your kids or younger friends might be listening to. Visitors to this blog can find my myspace page at : http://myspace.com/lindabsplace

For me though, the take away for today is that my students ... your kids ... their generation ... is so worth listening to. Our relationships with them are so important. We need to take the time to dive into their worlds more and find out what is important to them and why and to assume there might be value in it because we value them. It’s not just music... it’s their other interests too. This generation more than any in a long time has really embraced their parent’s culture in a lot of ways. Most of my guitar students love some of the same things I loved when I was in jr. high and high school musically. And while those of us who are products of the 70s are still pretty much the "ME" generation in a lot of ways... preoccupied with our lives and our interests, and not very interested in investing in their lives... a lot of their generation actually believes they can make a difference in the world and each other’s lives. It does my heart good to see that.

So if the music on my myspace page seems a little weird from time to time, take a few minutes to listen. And whenever you get a chance, take the time to listen to and enjoy your own kids too with fresh eyes and ears. They are an amazing bunch. You can tell them I said so.

BRINGING THE FUNNY BACK...

2008-09-14T13:51:00.000-07:00

Friday, September 12, 2008 (12:16pm)
Bringing the funny back...

Most people who hang out with me would tell you that even at the worst of times I can still almost always find something absurd to laugh about. Life these days can be more than just a little challenging with the 60 hours plus a week work week, the medical bills, etc. Sometimes I get more than just a wee bit overwhelmed. I have to shoo away that little pack of violinists who try to follow me around playing that annoying melancholy music. But even with all that and even though I spend most of my time in my teaching studio, life overall is pretty stinkin' amazing. The older I'm getting the more I'm convinced that when it's all said and done, our encounters and relationships with each other and with God are what really matter in this world. Crap happens. Life happens in the midst of the crap. Life is good.

I can laugh about almost anything. But I realized recently that even though I do have some pretty sinkin' funny stories about all the weird things I've experienced with the Christian subculture, there are some parts of it that I just find painful and infuriating. I've had a few too many encounters with people (including some I've worked with on staff at different churches) who used their power and circle of influence to wound the very people they were there to lead and serve. That is a place of profound pain for me as I've spent years with the people who's lives have been devastated in the name of Christian ministry. On my better days I know that any time you stick a bunch of humans together, you are going to get some amount of nastiness. Lately though I've found that when I think about the subculture (which is completely different in my mind than Jesus) the first thing I feel is grief, when I see the countless faces of friends who's lives are in turmoil currently.

Just recently I found a few blogs written by people who have also been immersed in the subculture who are pretty good being able to laugh at the weird part of it while still embracing the good that's there. I also like the fact that they have a similar snarky sense of humor and are willing to be honest about life in their worlds.

You can find two of them at the following places....

http://stuffchristianslike.net/
This site is often really funny, and sometimes really moving. It's also worth reading some of the archives... make sure you read the comments though... they are sometimes the best part. He nails the weird quirky part of the subculture. Thanks Jon... razzle dazzle... razzle dazzle.

http://stacyfromlouisville.blogspot.com/

I love Stacy's take on life and faith. Her blogs can be funny or moving (or both) but they are always well written. She's good at pointing out the weird part of the subculture too... plus she's been to Bible college which is a whole other source of material. I love her snarky sense of humor.

For those of my friends who patiently put up with my dogged participation in Christianity, hoping I'll grow out of it, I think you might enjoy these guy's blogs too. It's a good reminder that all "Christians" aren't joyless, mindless morons. Enjoy, and let me know what you think.

As for the above mentioned bloggers, as well as some of you on myspace who write about your life and faith with humor and raw honesty, I'll have to take the time to thank them and you too for reminding me again that there are a lot of weird, funny things about life, faith and it all. In the midst of the crap, there is a lot of good too. Who knew something that funny could also be good for my soul.

COMMENTS FROM THIS BLOG ON MYSPACE...

FROM NANCY W
Yes, it's good we can laugh (good-naturedly, of course) at the weirdness and wackiness in the world. It's a reminder to not take ourselves too seriously. It's good to take the time to for amusement when all of us are so busy busy busy with work work work. I think it is necessary in order to keep sane. Sometimes when I need a laugh I will watch something like "The Farting Tilton Preacher" to cheer me up. For those of you who, like me, find fart noises amusing (I even own a remote control fart machine), you can watch "The Farting Tilton" on youtube....just type that in the search box.
MY RESPONSE
Yes... both of us own remote control fart machines... alas there's nothing quite like farting preacher humor. ;)

FROM RHONDA
I have been enjoying stuffchristianslike of late... he makes me laugh! And I'm with you about finding ways to laugh at all the nonsense while holding onto all that's relevant.You are a wonderfully dear woman to me and I am so glad our spaces bumped into each other!
MY RESPONSE
I think you would enjoy the other one too. I like her writing... wind her up and watch her go. :)

FROM NANCY R
For the record, I hope you never "grow out" of it. PS: I think I need to start writing again.
MY RESPONSE
You are correct madam... you do need to start writing again... perhaps a little anti-penguin rant to get the process started again. You write... you write with penguins!

FROM ROCHELLE
Thank you for this! And it is a great reminder that in the midst of all the crap life can fling at us, life is good.:) "I have to shoo away that little pack of violinists who try to follow me around playing that annoying melancholy music."...Hee! What a wonderful description. Thank you for this.
MY RESPONSE
It's good to have other people to romp through the sucky parts with... or cry through the sucky parts... or sometime just laugh at the absurdness of the sucky parts.

THIS IS THE LINK TO MY MYSPACE PAGE FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE INTERESTED BY THE WAY...
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=12093818

FROM JUANITA
"... I have to shoo away that little pack of violinists who try to follow me around playing that annoying melancholy music..."Linda, I am SOOO SORRY! I'll really truly try to learn some non-melancholy songs. But you know I don't do as well with the fast stuff. I'll try to work with that distortion pedal more.....
MY RESPONSE
Ok... I would have choked if I was drinking anything. I'll make an exception in your case... as long as you also play some jaunty fiddle music... I know I'll play the accordian... don can play the tuba... lee can sing as a woman... oh wait we already did that.... doh! :)

FROM NANCY W
am really wanting to play rhythmic guitar in a corner with poultry. I would even welcome the melancholy violinists, but only if it was Juanita who is always up for a jaunty jig as well.
MY RESPONSE
Or one of those hellish over the top "women's" retreats/luncheons/horrors we've done in the past!

A New Day Dawns In California...

2008-09-05T01:46:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, July 1, 2008 (1:55am)

A New Day Dawns In California...

Today, California's new hands free cell law goes into effect. For those of you who aren't from around these parts, it is now illegal to drive with your cell phone plastered to your ear. If the cops see you they can pull you over and give you a relatively hefty ticket. I do find it slightly ironic that you can still hold the phone in your hand or TEXT while driving, which seems like one of the most stupid things anyone could possibly do. I've noticed already since people have been getting ready there is less of the weaving around while talking thing going on. But I've read about several studies that have shown that driving while talking, even hands free drops your functional I.Q. to that of a slug. I wish people would quit using the phone as a hobby while driving and just drive their stinkin' cars.

One of the side effects here is that everyone now has blue tooth and they are wandering around everywhere while they are not driving talking on the phone. And, as I've said before they look at me like a crazy woman when I answer them when they would appear to be asking me, a complete stranger, a question when there is no one else around... and when I do answer them they jab their finger at their ear and point like they have some kind of worm boring into their brain at that particular moment. It's a weird world we live in.

So it will be interesting if it helps much with people driving so distracted... of course with gas at 4.69 or more a gallon around here perhaps just less traffic will help things a little bit. In the mean time I'll have to ignore the crazies wandering around talking to themselves like a bad scene out of a zombie movie.

Previous Blog Posts...

2008-08-14T01:45:00.000-07:00

For quite some time I've blogged mainly on Myspace. I would like to start using blogspot more in the future, so I decided to transfer some of my blogs over here so that anyone who would like to dialogue would at least have more of an idea of my history. There are some things I would like to be able to write about that I don't necessarily subject my younger students to that stop by my myspace page. Life can be brutal. Faith can be brutal sometimes too. Sometimes it's good for me to write about what's going on inside of me. Some of the blogs I've transfered so far are pretty grousy. I'll try to post some of the goofy ones here too.

Jesus was NOT a Republican...

2008-08-14T01:30:00.000-07:00

This Blog was originally posted somewhere else on Sunday, June 18, 2006. Some things just never change though and I've been thinking about this topic again lately. I admit that I'm not too happy about either presidential candidate the more I find out about them and their policies.

Jesus was NOT a Republican...

My liberal friends are convinced that I'm really a liberal and just don't know it yet. My conservative friends probably just worry about me. I actually am a moderate conservative in most areas. But I find myself disenfranchised by the republican party in this country and appalled at the state of the national government currently.

I know I'm not alone. It's been hard to stand by and watch our personal rights eroded in the name of national security. It's painful to watch all the partisan politics stalemating the possibility of anything being accomplished in Washington. I must confess I'm about one step away from getting a "who would Jesus bomb?" sticker for my car.Within the Christian subculture there's almost an unspoken rule that we shouldn't be negative against the government. It's OK to criticize any democrats in power, but we need to just "prayerfully support" the republicans.

Last time I checked Jesus wasn't a republican... or a democrat. He didn't get sucked into the corrupt system that was functioning at the time. I think we need to wake up and use our minds and not just get sucked into politics as usual. We should be willing to question stupid decisions that come from either side.

A couple of weeks ago was the primary election. Once again I found myself to be disturbed by the whole process. When I was young I was excited to finally be able to vote. I wanted to be a part of the whole process. Now that I'm older and more cynical, I realize that most politicians... democrats, republicans or any other variety, are not to be trusted. Too many years working in media and seeing the ugly yellow underbelly of American politics up close left me with the realization that to be a good politician in this country you basically have to be a good liar.

What do I want? I want to just once in my life, vote for someone I can really believe in and support instead of voting for the lesser of two evils. I want to see elected officials who will put aside partisan politics and put the real good of the nation above their own private agendas. I want us as people of faith to not just buy into politicians rhetoric, but hold them accountable based on their actions and not just their propaganda.

What am I going to do? I'm not sure yet. One thing is for sure I don't want to just give lip service to conservative politics. I need to stay informed. I need to be willing to question bad decisions no matter who are making them. I need to be willing to speak up against troubling trends... whether they've been propagated by the left or the right. I need to be careful to not be like the Christians in Nazi Germany who ignored what was going on around them. And I need to dialogue with others and not be afraid to question authority. I'm guessing that there are legions of people who are in the same boat as me. Any comments?

A More Excellent Way...

2008-08-14T01:22:00.000-07:00

This was origionally a blog published on May 8, 2006 in another place but I wanted to include it here.

A More Excellent Way

Every once in a while I google my name to see what pops up. (when did google become a verb anyway?) It used to mainly bring up album covers I did the photos or graphics for.

Last night I did it and was surprised to find something quite different showing up. One of my old music students, who is away at college now, and who I still spend time with when he is in town, had me listed as one of his heros on his My Space page. Nothing could have made me happier.

For years I did photography and media projects that were seen by literally millions of people. But the more I spent time with teenagers at my church I realized that a lot of them didn't have adults outside of their immediate families that were commited to investing in their lives and their futures. More and more I began the shift away from doing media for a living towards teaching and also mentoring. It doesn't pay as well. But I know that ultimately, what I'm going to leave behind is a lot more valuable. I don't think God cared all that much for the big, bitchin' media projects... but I know he cares for the lives of my students.

The students I invest in will go on to make a difference in their worlds long after I'm gone. If I do my job right, the kid's they invest in will go on long after them. Long live that kind of legacy. Long live my students who are out to change their worlds!

The Space Between...

2008-08-14T01:14:00.000-07:00

Hey gang it's a looooong one, but it has some great news for me.

Sunday, June 8, 2008 (5:01pm)
The Space Between...

The older I get the more time seems to fly by. Part of that is due to my somewhat crazy work schedule. I get up every day and work at making it through. The next day I do the same. I try to really live in the moment while I'm there with each person I encounter. But still the months race by... the years race by. More and more I'm becoming convinced that time is the most precious commodity of anything we possess. To be continued.

Sunday, June 29, 2008 (1:05am)
Ah... see what I mean. 21 days went by... in a heartbeat. For me, the lack of writing normally doesn't mean "no news." A lot of times it's because there are so many things going on that are so meaningful, that I can't figure out how to condense them into a few phrases. My private journal is considerably more full. Even there sometimes it's hard to put into words the inner working of my warped brain, or my spirit. I looked back and realized that for the most part, since February, there's been only silliness in my blog with the exception of a heartfelt prayer for peace and a remembrance of a dear friend.

I think we all have those things that occupy the space between. They make their presence known late at night when we can't sleep, or we are weary... sometimes they are fleeting memories that show up in the midst of great joy. Sometimes for me they happen in one on one encounters here in my teaching room, late night at Barnes and Noble or out to eat with someone. Sometimes it's triggered by reading someone else's blog.

So many times lately I've had those kinds of people encounters where I wished that I had a video camera running to record the moment. Some of those moments I wish I could share with all of you. There are times when the things that come out of my students mouths (especially the young ones) take my breath away at how they see life... how they get what's important about living and God and loving people.

There is one little boy whose father has to travel a lot for business. Most of the kids I teach like that are almost always angry at their fathers for their not being around. This little boy loves his dad though... and more than that, he knows how much his dad loves him. Every week he tells me about the stuff they do together and the trips they make together. I hear stories of his dad moving heaven and earth to get back early from business trips to make it to his talent shows and activities. I wish his dad could hear him talk, and I made a mental note to call his dad and thank him for being a great father and let him know I see it all over in the life of his son.

This time in the space between, something amazing has happened in my life. That's what originally caused me to start this blog back on the eighth. Anyone who's known me for any length of time knows my sketchy church history. I'm like the Typhoid Mary of Churchdom. I've been in more churches that have had horrible things going on... both dealt with and swept under the rug... with sin and corruption and pain and pastoral flameouts... you name it... I've been there right in the middle of it. At the end of the day, much more than being angry or bitter, it has left me on one hand with a lot of grief for all the brokenness and loss, and a sense of thankfulness on the other hand for the mercy of God and His ability to bring new life out of the pain.

There aren't many things in my life that I deeply regret... but there was one that has let a huge pool of grief for years. In the early 90's, due to some circumstances out of either of our control, I felt like the best and most loving thing I could do was to step away from a relationship with one of my best friends, music partner, and also a partner in ministry. For me, and other women in our close knit group, it was hard because we so wanted to be there for her and her son. Through all these years I've continued to pray for her and her family and I've missed her. I've missed having the chance to see her son grow up. Every time I've gone out to play, I've thought that she would have totally loved what we were doing. And for all these years I've hoped that one day there would be a way to make it right.

Recently, I heard that there were some major changes getting ready to happen in her life... and I knew that I knew that I knew that it was time to contact her again, although I had no idea how she would respond to that. When I called her, she called me right back... and on June 8th, at nine in the evening at Barnes and Noble, we saw each other for the first time since around 1993.

In all these years we never ran into each other. To me when I was contemplating calling her I was blown away by how long it had been when I stopped to do the math. For me the space between 98 and now has been one huge blur or work and medical bills. It seemed like yesterday when I saw her last. It was like the years just melted away and we had a great time catching up on a lot of missing years. We are both older and grayer and more tired, and yet, even with everything I think we are both at a point of looking forward to this new season in our lives. Last night we went to dinner at a place I eat at all the time... and it turns out her son, who's now in his twenties works there and I have talked to him before. I remember looking at him and almost asking him. So perhaps I'll have a chance to spend some time with the young man I loved so much as a young boy. There's so much more to the story, but it's still in process... to be continued.

All of it though has made me really stop and think about a lot of things, including why we who are a part of the "Christian subculture" will allow things from pastors we would never allow from people who were just showing up on Sunday mornings. Pastors these days only get canned if they get caught in some heinous act. The last few weeks have made me think that maybe we should start with really looking at how they love and care for their families. If they can't do that, then maybe it doesn't matter what a "gifted speaker" they are. Perhaps instead of bowing out, I should have stayed and with the other women, became an even bigger pain in her husband's back side. There's no way of knowing for sure. But I did apologize to her for not being there. I know too that I need to write her son too and apologize for not finding a way to let him know what was going on and for disappearing out of his life... and to apologize too for all the crap he had to go through at the hands of the church.

I am so thankful for that opportunity. I'm happy to be able to see her reconnecting with other old friends. I know they are so glad to see her too. In the end, real church is about being family... and continuing to love.

So, I've rambled on long enough for now. There's so much more I could say... and probably will somewhere down the line. Let me just say that I am one thankful girl. And such a weight has been lifted.

I'm reminded of one of my favorite portions of the Bible, that has been so true for me in Psalm 126...
1 When the LORD brought back the captives to
Zion, we were like men who dreamed.

2 Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them."
3 The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.
4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like streams in the Negev.
5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
6 He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.

What I Long For...

2008-08-14T00:44:00.000-07:00

This was first posted on a strange Bible disussion group I have on myspace called Bible Blah Blah... it is quite the wacky group of people who participate This is a subject close to my heart though so I thought I would post it here too. I would love your feedback... thanks!

Sunday, February 17, 2008 (3:56pm)
FROM MY MYSPACE BLOG

What I Long For...
Hi everyone... this will be long... sorry about that... but if you can, please read it though and see what you think...

Here it is Sunday afternoon. I slept in this morning. Frankly, I didn't have much choice. Sometimes the combo of the 60 -70 hour workweek and the chronic illness I have wins out over waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed to go to church. Exhaustion will do that to me. I was thinking today that it's been who knows how many months since I've actually made it to the church that I call myself a part of. I like the people... heck I love some of the people a lot. The music guy I consider a good friend who's like a little brother that I love and pray for, and try to help when I can. In the last few months there have been a precious few weeks where I woke up early enough feeling good enough to go. I even got ready... and I sat here and evaluated. When I really thought about it, I just couldn't bring myself to go again to a big building, hike in from the parking lot, and sit there with a bunch of people listening to one guy talk and then leave again without any real human contact. Lest you think I'm just being some anti-social curmudgeon standing around waiting for someone to make the effort to talk to me Me ME... that's no the case. Anyone who knows me knows that complete strangers tell me their whole life story on a regular basis and that I know half the people on the planet. There's just not a lot of place for that to happen. There's not a culture there that says that maybe we should really enjoy hanging out with each other.

One of our Bible blah blah gang named Laura wrote a great blog a little while ago about going off to church and ending up sitting somewhere listening to music and reading instead. Laura often writes blogs that are wonderfully raw and poignant at the same time. In her quest to connect with God in a more real way she manages to put her finger on so much of what's been rattling around inside of me for a long time too. I'm thankful that sometimes she manages to give voice to something that is such a part of me but hard to communicate.

I think when it comes down to it, Laura and I, and probably some of you too are really longing for a sense of community... of family... of having some people that you can just be yourself with and talk about those things that really are going on in your soul. I have some friends I've known for years. Some of us have gone to hell and back together... horrible church experiences... normal life things... we've grown up together... we've suffered loss together... we have shared funny or bizarre experiences together. We've fallen flat on our faces... or even run away from God and/or each other... and yet there's that bond that's still there. It's probably stronger because of all the crap. When I see their lives, I'm reminded of a good God who still holds on to both of us. I see the depth of their lives and our lives together because of all the good, the bad, the horribly painful, and the wonderful and crazy things we've shared.

That's the way I feel about pretty much everyone here, except for the few of you who I haven't had a chance to get to know yet. (And I'm sure that's only a matter of time.) When I think of the church I think of that kind of group... that's lived through so much together that they are more comfortable being with each other and being human. I love my friend that I know will love me regardless of how screwed up I am at any given moment and who, as it says in 1 Corinthians 13 "hopes the best" from me. I personally think you are all amazing people for a bunch of reasons. You're bright and creative. Most of you have lived through a lot of stuff and still have amazingly good senses of humor. A lot of you, like me, have sort of a tenuous relationship with the traditional church at best. But all of us have a hunger... a desire to connect with God in a real way... and with other people as well.

I would like to propose that we ARE the church when we meet each other... whether it's on each other's myspace pages or late at night at a restaurant, or at Chuck E. Cheese with a giant rat running around, or in the parking lot after some get together, freezing out butts off but enjoying our conversation and laughing with each other... or on the phone... or via email... or... or... I would like to propose that here on the Bible blah blah page we can discuss anything that is stirring in our hearts or is troubling us. That can be stirred up by the Bible reading or not. As most of us talked about... I don't expect any of us to be up on the reading, although we can always discuss that too. But I would love to be able to meet here and talk about the real concerns of our souls and to enjoy each other's company.

So, what do you guys think? You up for that too? I just know that you guys would enjoy each other as much as I do. Anyone else feeling sort of adrift in the church department? I know that for me, when I do have that sense of connectedness with some people, it's easier for me to brave the institutional church a little more too.

Many times my little music students will ask me what church I go to. I always find myself telling them about the church I go to. What I would really like to tell them is that I get to be a part of the church each week, here at my house with some of my students, online, etc.... Anyway, I would love to hear from you guys about all this too.

RESPONSES TO THE BLOG

LAURA POSTED...
Hey Linda B - thx for the blog mention. :) Raw and poignant - I'll have to use that in my press release. ;) Seriously, glad you dig it.I've joined Bible BLah Blah but have yet to make a contribution, I know. Be patient...I'll get to "church" eventually.... :) I am still working out my connectedness issues on many levels.

RHONDA POSTED...
This was Rhonda's quote on the blah blah page:"Linda, I feel exactly as you do. I rarely go to the traditional church these days even though Dennis was a priest who served faithfully until his death. I find more Christian community in my online and in-person friends. For me as the token Anglo-Catholic of the group, my biggest reason for still going to the Big Building is to receive Eucharist. (It was easier when I was married to my own personal priest!... lol) But as for community, I don't find that at all "in church." Yesterday was Sunday, and I found myself at a jazz in the garden concert here in Phoenix. Some of the musicians are God-oriented and I found them weaving bits and pieces of hymns into sections of the music. Sitting outside, surrounded by nature, listening to people offer up the gift of their creativity to God, I felt like there was more heartfelt worship taking place in that setting than inside the Big Building."I was thinking about how much I enjoy that kind of thing. I was thinking about the church I'm a part of. I love the music. I enjoy the sermons. I like the leaders. I think the leaders really want more interaction taking place too, and for people to connect more. Maybe it has to do with the culture we live in some and how we view large meetings. Also, because I go to a church that's primarily gen-x, the whole way they do connectedness is different... they've grown up connecting via technology. I'll see if maybe I can have my friend Jobey, the music director join in the discussion and see what he thinks.

BRIAN POSTED...
Linda,I agree that church is not only more than the music and sermon, I argue probably that it is NOT the music and sermon, but human interaction to spur us to interaction with a living God. That's why I concur with you that we are the church no matter where we are. I do, however, believe that without some tangible human touch, we don't stand a chance just to be the church ourselves. Where people can help us with our troubles, push the enemy of our soul away, and encourage us to engage in this life of enjoying our heavenly Dad. In this kind of interaction, we find many things probably too deep to discuss here right now. I don't get to myspace that often, but I will try to throw my 2 cents worth in. Love you, Brian

MY RESPONSE TO BRIAN...
It's true that we do need that tangible human touch too. There's nothing better than being able to really talk and communicate... especially face to face... especially with people that you have a bunch of shared spiritual history with. There are some of my online buddies that I would love to be able to just sit with for hours and really discuss things... since the nature of blogging especially is limited to choppy communication. Although sometimes I do communicate better in written form, especially with topics that are raw or painful. The best of both worlds I guess is both.

ANA POSTED...
"longing for a sense of community", "just be yourself" -- YES!! and AMEN to that. that IS church. "we" ARE church, wherever we may be. but it's definitely not what i've found in the buildings with the big signs out front. i'm walking right beside you in the "tenuous relationship with the traditional church"... i'm meeting up with more and more of us, and finding encouragement there. we are NOT alone, and i believe we are growing in numbers. the "business" of "church" and the status quo won't hold up much longer. i'm believing in/for that, and looking forward to what is to come...

MY RESPONSE TO ANA...
I agree that there are a bunch of us who are all in that process of transitioning. For me too I think that it's not even a matter of either or... I think there’s a place for a traditional gathering too. The thing that's great that's come out of people's discontent with the status quo is that people are beginning to realize that they don't have to wait for a church organization to structure some "program" for them to take responsibility to seek out real fellowship and connectedness that is more organic. I have real, heartfelt communication all the time here on the net and on the phone with people I've never even met face to face... but with some we've known each other for years and talk just about every day. With the expansion of the net and cheaper phone rates, our world has expanded. Our band of oddballs has grown and we've had more chance to find each other. I look at that as a great gift. :)

ANA POSTED...
it IS a GREAT gift! i've been more and more thankful to find that i am not alone in how i feel about it all, nor am i alone in the journey of discovering the balance. thanks, linda b...

Tag.. I'm It...

2008-08-14T00:23:00.000-07:00

Friday February 1, 2008 (12:22am)

One of my myspace buddies tagged me and this was origionally published there...
Tag... I'm it....

Rose has tagged me and now I'm "it." from her blog:

Once you have been tagged, write a blog with 10 weird, random things, or goals about yourself. At the end choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave them a comment (tag, you're it) and to read your blog.

and you can't tag the person who tagged you.

Rose just tagged me. Those of you who don't know her would really enjoy her. She's another creative/techno person who writes great grousy blogs, and is really a very tenderhearted softy. All of that I find very endearing. So here are a few rambling thoughts in no particular order...

1. As a child I loved the cartoon Gigantor, and wanted a multi-ton Robot as my best buddy... thus began my love/hate relationship with technology.

2. From the age of 5 to about 10 my next door neighbor and I would put on shows for the other neighborhood kids, complete with functional curtain. We did a lot of Motown songs and Beatles stuff. As an adult, I've done a disproportionally large number of gigs playing in corners with poultry (either live or on the menu) involved.

3. My mother had short stubby toes. My father's two toes next to his big toe were grown together. I have short stubby half way grown together toes that are funny to look at and probably resemble hobbit toes. As a child I saw a drawing of an Eohippus, a prehistoric horse and my toes resembled theirs.

4. I repel technology. I can kill off technology just by being near it, especially during a hormonal swing. My techno geek husband didn't believe me at first and now agrees it's downright creepy. I need to figure out how to hire myself out to do industrial espionage. Things I kill off on a regular basis includes, but is not limited to, a bizillion cash registers, multiple voting machines, airline ticket machines, video cameras, audio equipment and COMPUTERS. Needless to say this causes a lot of problems with my chosen profession where I'm using technology every day. On a related note, I have to wear a digital watch and not one with mechanical parts. I stop regular watches. (It must be my magnetic personality.)

5. I attract organic life forms. Animals and small children love me. Even wild and feral animals with normally hang out with me. "Vicious" dogs will normally also be perfectly tame with me. Even highly trained agility dogs will break from what they are doing and come over to hang out with me. It's very odd. I actually ran a children's ministry at a church for awhile and the kids would follow me around like I was the pied piper. I also was able to instantaneously get the screaming babies to stop and calm down.

6. I am the goose whisperer. Even though they are the thugs of the bird world I love to go feed them. They come up and stand around me calmly waiting to take the food out of my hand, which tends to freak out anyone else around who might be trying to feed the birds at the local pond. (Please see my photo album titled blog illustrations or journal illustrations for proof.)

7. When I was a small child I wanted to leave home as soon as I could to go live on a farm and raise animals. By the time I was starting middle school I had my whole life planned out... I was going to either become a psychologist or a sociologist. As a fluke I took a photo class in high school because I thought it might be a good tool in case I did field studies etc. As it turned out I had a very high aptitude for it and did my first album cover when I was 18 or 19. I still end up doing a lot of lay counseling / mentoring etc. .. even more now teaching music than I did working and counseling at a church... go figure. One of my friends calls it teaching guitar- har -har -har.

8. In teaching and in mentoring, I love working with middle school students. .. especially the really bright ones. I love the way they are still inquisitive and are engaged in figuring who they are and what they want to accomplish in their lives... and they aren't completely cynical yet! One of my favorite things is having the privilege of being in my students lives long enough to watch them grow into adulthood. My goal is to encourage them to be their own people, to be as creative as possible, and to stand their ground for what is true and important and to make a difference in their worlds.

9. I believe it's great to do a major career shift every decade or so. It keeps life interesting and makes for a lot better batch of weird stories. Who knows what I might do next... or again.

10. I dream in cinematically in mixed media. Sometimes I dream in a mixture of live action and cartoon. Sometimes my dreams have a narrator. Sometimes they are very movie like with different camera shots and angles... and sometimes I have dream sequels at the same location.

... AND ONE EXTRA FOR GOOD MEASURE!

11. I have a very weird mixture of friends... so weird in fact that some of you guys probably couldn't stand to be in the same room with each other. I love the diversity. I love the different ways you challenge my thinking. I love the things I learn from you about life, and relationships and God and what's really important in life. By nature I'm actually pretty shy and pretty much of an introverted loner. I'm incredibly thankful that you guys help drag me outside of myself and remind me again and again that we are family.

The Flip Side Of The Coin...

2008-08-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

January 7, 2008
FROM MY MYSPACE BLOG

The Flip Side of the Coin...
(Or How I Spent My Christmas Vacation)

Anyone who knows me knows I don't get much down time. As a matter of fact, the last time I had any time off without someone dying, Ken and/or I being sick, or some major natural disaster/crisis was about ten years ago.

I had two weeks off in a row for the first time since then. And, while I did spend the first week feeling pretty sick and horrible, it was still nice to just have time to rest and recuperate in peace. I had a chance to just sit and read for long periods of time. I got to work on learning to run my new multi-track recorder. I had a chance to input the music/lyrics and chords for about 30 new songs into the computer, which is very time consuming but wonderful to have. I got a chance to just hang out and goof off with my husband. We had a nice, peaceful, calm Christmas, which was a wonderful thing. The second week I felt better and I got to see some friends that I have been missing, and have some great meals with them.

Nancy and I got a chance to record and work on music, which has been good for my soul. I got a chance to just go outside and breathe the air and stare blankly. We also got a chance to go feed the geese (more about being the goose whisper in another blog) and enjoy nature. Those things might not seem like a big deal... but they were very precious gifts to me. Given the new year, it's probably good I got a chance to rest up some.

I also got a chance to read A Widening Light, a poetry anthology put together by Luci Shaw of wonderful contemporary poets writing on the Life of Christ. I think that, mixed with all the good and bad Christmas memories brought back for me just how thankful I am for God's mercy and redemption in a real way. Some of us have been reading through the Bible this year together... and this verse from Matthew 4:17 in "The Message" version jumped out at me...
"People sitting out their lives in the dark saw a huge light;
Sitting in that dark, dark country of death,
they watched the sun come up."

It's late and I'm way too tired right now to adequately describe just how much that is my story. When I was young I lived in the middle of horrible darkness. Even then I knew that there had to be a better life for me. Hopefully one of these days I'll find the words to explain. But I was reminded again how thankful I am to be alive and to know the mercy of God... even in the midst of breaking, dripping things. I know I'll get through the other stuff. I'm thankful I have some help along the way.

Backhanded Thankfulness...

2008-08-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

Sunday, December 09, 2007

FROM MY MYSPACE BLOG

Backhanded Thankfulness...
Current mood: grateful

It's been too long between blogging...
Thanks for stopping by to read this.

Most people who know me well know that I'm a grousey realist at best, and sometimes downright cynical when it comes to my trust of the human animal. But no matter how many times I've gotten the snot knocked out of me over the years from an unexpected source, there's still that part of me that remains very hopeful when it comes to humans banding together to do good. My husband normally finds that aggravating. Even thought it is certainly formulaic, and shamelessly panders to people's emotions, there's something about the Sunday night show "Extreme Home Makeover" that I enjoy. Of course the show makes my husband want to vomit, and I do use the DVR to record it so I can fast forward through the precious annoying bits. Ken always retreats to the man cave when the show comes on. Even with all the contrived preciousness, there's something about it that resonates in a really deep place for me... almost in spite of the show. Tonight I figured out in a deeper way what it is.

At the core of my being I do believe that we are on this planet to make a difference in other people's lives. That we are called to be connected and to dare to care for each other. Sometimes that caring means to wade into the pain and the suffering of others and to share it and find a way to make it a little better somehow. Recently some of my friends did a home makeover themselves on a smaller scale for a family who needed a little extra help. Not only was the family blown away and touched... but so were their neighbors and friends. The people who helped make it possible were incredibly touched and energized by it all. My friend said they felt so alive while they were working on the project and doing exactly what they needed to be doing. I believe she was right.
There was a family here locally who received one of the extreme makeovers. When it came time for the show to get volunteers to help, they got a good majority of them from their church. This deserving father with a bizillion kids who's wife had died ended up with a new beginning for his family. We can come together in big ways and small ways to bring hope and healing to each other. We can choose to show up for our lives and really live them in community.

Maybe I'm more sensitive to how important that is because it's so hard for me to get out of my house at a normal time to see anyone. Somehow though, a heck of a lot of living happens here. A lot of connecting and a lot of mutual support. I have dear friends who stagger out to the few places that are open late and meet me for dinner and great discussion from 9:30 to 11:00 pm on week nights when sane people would be sleeping. But I'm aware that love motivates them to do that... to loose a little sleep and to be family for me... in the same way the Extreme Makeover volunteers are probably pooped at the end of their week, but there lives are fuller for the experience.

Traditionally this time of year is hard for me. I have to fight back the inner demons of depression and a lifetime of painful memories... but each year I'm reminded in a million different ways of how much I am loved... and that family isn't just people with shared genetics... family in the truest sense is really those people who you share your lives and your experiences with. It grows with each of those encounters and shared experiences... and the history we share together as it unfolds.
I'm thankful for how rich my life is and for the people who make my life richer and who help hold me up when I'm weak. I've had some amazing conversations with longtime friends lately and I realized how thankful I am for them and to see them living through their own struggles and tragedies, and through it all growing stronger and becoming even more amazing people.

On a different note, the other day I had to go pay my property taxes... and as I was standing there, forking over 1500 bucks for six months, I was suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude to have the money to pay it and to have a home to live and work in.

There's so much else I could write about tonight but it is almost 2 in the morning and I have a full day tomorrow. I know I've said it before, but I can never say it enough. Thank you all for being a part of my life. Don't forget in the midst of all the holiday busyness that your life makes a difference to the people in your world. You guys do ROCK!

RESPONSES TO THE MYSPACE BLOG...

RHONDA POSTED...
Your definition of family certainly resonates with me. Thanks for being a part of my own family... my life is the richer for it!

JUANITA POSTED...
I've meant to say it since Thai.. but, thanks for being my sister where otherwise I have none :-)
And P.S. You Rock!

NANCY R. POSTED...
You rock with penguins and I don't see how anyone can top that. Interesting I just had a talk with my sponsor telling her I was grateful to have enough money to pay the locksmith and the heating guy today (the house was broken into the other night...will explain later).The more we try to do good for others the more we grow. At least that's what I'm told.

JORDAN M. POSTED...
I can almost remember the moment I met you. Everyone in that place became instant family. Brian,Gin,Patty,Janet and so on. And to this day with everyone all over the place you, they, are still, family. Sending the thanks right back to you. Love you. J.

KAREN POSTED...
Ahhh, you do so have a way of speaking my mind...:-) Thank you, my dear Voice of Reason!

MARIA POSTED...
You rock more. I'm on your side--I so want to believe that people at their very core are awesome and just let life put up too big of a wall (and sometimes pretty damn ugly one, at that). I've missed you. I hope your holidays were well.

Grousing, Part Two...

2008-08-13T23:39:00.000-07:00

November, 13,2007
Grousing Part Two... Religion... Current mood: Determined

As an addition...

Don't get me wrong with the stuff about the pastors and people in authority in the church. I do believe in mercy and redemption. I do believe that God can forgive them, and they might be able to change... Just like I'm sure that if I murdered someone, and asked Him to God would forgive me too. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't spend the rest of my life in prison for what I did.

Trust has to be earned. When trust has been violated, it takes a lot longer for it to be earned again the next time. I think it was Spurgeon who said that a man shouldn't be allowed back into a pulpit until their repentance was as notorious as their sin. And even then, I think if I guy (or a woman) has a severe enough problem with inappropriate sexual involvement where they are having to step down, perhaps they should decide to no longer do ministry with people of the opposite sex. If a worship leader gets involved with women who are not his wife, then let him ONLY do worship with men for men in the future... and even then not until he's proved without a shadow of a doubt that he's ready with a system of accountability in place.

COMMENTS FROM THIS MYSPACE BLOG...

ROSE POSTED...
i think my head just exploded with your last two blogs!!!!i love it. i have to process it and then i'll post more. keep grousing. grousing is good!! :)

MARIA POSTED...

My only caveat is that trust and respect are given unconditionally to kids until they unearn it.Adults are a different matter (and I'm sad to think this, but I do). Adults have to earn it. Don't get me started about those in power (whether it's a minister, teacher, parent) who misuse it or violate it. Abe Lincoln had the best words for the issue: "Any man can handle adversity. If you truly want to test a man's character, give him power."

Good Naured Grousing Part 1

2008-08-13T23:12:00.000-07:00

Monday, November 12, 2007
Good Natured Grousing... Current mood: Grousy Category: Grousy Life
From my myspace blog.

Monday, November 12, 2007 (11:01pm) Veterans' Day
Good Natured Grousing...
It's been almost a month since I blogged last. It's certainly not for lack of material. Since the last time I blogged, half the state of California has been on fire and I've seen up close the impact it's had on all of us in one way or another. Several more dear friends have lost their parents, or have recently found out they are very ill. I've lost some students due to the state of the economy out here and people's lives being impacted by the high cost of gas and housing etc. I've also had to spend a huge amount of time and energy reorganizing my work schedule thanks to all the lovely kid's sports programs which I will grouse about later. In the mean time I have some great new students to go with the great bunch I already have. Once again I've learned a lot about life, and faith and not being afraid of creativity from the younger ones. I've learned to keep pursuing my own creative dreams from my older ones. I've written songs and poetry. I've experienced my own share of grief, and relief and have several epiphanal moments along the way. I guess you could say it's been a time of toooooo much stimulus overload and too much stuff to process. And since I haven't had a chance to process it all yet I thought I would just whine about a few things and just dump what's rolling around in my head at the moment and hope I'll be able to sleep when I'm done. I'll leave the quest for deep insight for a time when it's not 11:00 pm and I'm not exhausted. Hopefully soon I'll be able to develop some of these thoughts more. For now just some quick random thoughts...

The modern religious system in America...
I've seen way too many guys that I have known personally who were either pastors or worship leaders have to step down from their positions because of sexual impropriety of various sorts and degrees, end up back in pulpits, or given new churches in a few years or even months later. When I've questioned the wisdom of letting men who have MULTIPLE times proven themselves to be prone to falling that way, have access to people's lives in those positions, I've heard all sorts of justifications for it.. "but they are so gifted!" "God's gifts and callings are without repentance." "They are such a great teacher" etc... etc... blah blah blah. My response to that is when does "talent" and "gifting" and "annointing" trump character???? Frankly I think God's a lot more concerned about my character and how I treat the people that He loves and cares for more than the fact that I can play guitar and lead worship. What has happened to cause us to so casually condone that? What makes that any different than a Catholic Bishop moving a priest who's molested children to a new parish when people find out... so that other innocent kids can suffer the same fate. What kind of message are we sending to our children and to the world, when we don't even require any moral integrity from our leaders? Do we really want them to be the people our kids look up to as models for living their lives? Frankly I find it apalling. Anyone else care to comment on it?

The modern educational system and after school sports system...
Once again... I'm appalled. I teach privately and I see kids of all ages and from a bunch of different schools. The common denominator most of them have is that they are stressed out, exhausted, and are growing to dislike their school experience. Thanks in part to the "No Kids Left Behind" legislation, teachers are constantly playing beat the clock to just get through material. They assign way too much busywork homework, and most of the kids tell me they are up late desperately trying to just get it done. Added to that is the whole after school sports program. It used to be that kids on teams would have one or two practices during the week and a game. Now a lot of my students have practice 5 days a week mandatory for two hours plus one or two games a week. You mix that with way too much homework and suddenly you have a kid who has no life, who's grades suffer and who's family don't even see him except for schleping them to around. I thought my generation was the most neurotic, crazed generation ever but no... we are raising a new generation who is even more that way. I can't believe we as a generation don't intervene on our kids behalf and say like that guy in the movie Network "we're mad as hell and we're not going to take it any more!!!!" You can be sure if 90% of the parents promised to yank their kids and their money from the programs unless something changed and the craziness ended, things would change in no time. Same thing with the schools. It's going to take parents making a tremendous stink for anything to change. It makes me sad to see kids who have loved learning and who are bright with a bunch of promise tell me again and again that they hate school now.

Ok, it's much later now and it's time for me to get some sleep. I would love to hear your thoughts on such things... more to come.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE COMMENTS FROM MY MYSPACE BLOG...

POSTED BY STACY...

oooooooh Honey....do you really want my comment?I'm not perfect. I will be the first to admit that. I see myself as a David more and more each day. My heart is after God, but my flesh has issues. But I'm also greatful for the Nathan's in my life as well. Linda B. you are a great Nathan in my life. But thank you for not speaking in parables and telling me straight up that my sh!$ smells!!! So I guess the question is where are the Nathan's for those in positions?I feel as if we are putting on the wolves clothing ourselves or that we are clothing others to be wolves...anyway....I have so much more I could say, but my brain is scrambled and can't put it into sentences. Thanks for writing this Linda.....You Rock!!

MY RESPONSE TO STACY...

agree Stacy... part of the reason it's a problem is that there is not the support network for leaders most of the time where they can really get help with stuff when they are first starting to struggle with things. By and large, the church could learn a lot from AA by creating a safe environment for people to say... I'm really struggling... and for there to be people who love and support them to make sure they get the help they need. I've spent a good deal of my ministry life helping people in ministry put their lives back together after they have been torn apart, either at other people's hands or by their own doing. That's one of the reasons I'm pretty willing to wade into people's lives sometimes with both feet and to really look at the tough issues and work through them with them. On the other hand though too, there are some guys who I think are more predatory who have no intention of getting help, or wanting to change. They abuse their power and their position of trust, and won't take responsibility for their actions or own their own crap. I personally know several people who had people who loved them including friends family, their church staff and the elders of their church trying to get through to them and they still chose to go their own way. Those are the kinds of people I'm talking about in my blog.I'm willing to go to hell and back for people who are willing to deal with the broken places in their lives. One of the things I also try to model is a willingness to take responsibility for my own actions, my own sins, and my own stupidity. I also try to be willing to live out my life in front of people in as honest a way as possible, so that they can see the broken places in my life, but also have a chance to watch the healing and the transformation that will continue until I die. When we let each other close enough to be family and to be able to be there for each other... both to encourage and to nail each other's butts to the wall if needs be... Then there will be good coming out of the brokenness and pain.

POSTED BY VICTOR CHARLES...

i think it's about time people started standing up for the kids these days. i have friends who have kids who are around 9 and 10 years old and they freak me out when they tell me how much homework they have. they're constantly complaining about how much stuff they have to do, some of the kids have trouble finishing it all. my friends are freaked out too, but they feel like there isn't anything they can do. what can a parent do to help this situation?

MY RESPONSE TO VICTOR...

Hi Victor... thanks for stopping by! I'm not sure what the answer is. I think part of it is going to take parents being proactive, and I'm not sure it's going to happen. I think I would organize a letter writing campaign first to the school board and to our elected officials. Part of it too probably comes down to the parents making some tough choices. In the case of all that homework and the coach who won't back down on 5 2 hour practices a week, I think I would just have to talk to him and explain that my child still needed to have a life and that his schooling was more important than their particular sport. I do believe that if parents started pulling their kids out and not funding the activities, that the leagues would probably reevaluate. One of my students said something really interesting last week... he was currently dying from the home work at school and playing not one but two time consuming sports a week. He said... "I wish my dad would just let me play my one sport and then go to the park with me and play ball with me instead of playing baseball." What a novel thing. Out of the mouth of babes.

POSTED BY RHONDA...

Wow... where to even begin with such a complex issue?! Candidly, I struggle with much of American evangelical Christianity. We hold our leaders to a higher standard, yet make it unsafe for them to seek help for issues they struggle with. If they recognize the warning signs and ask for help, their church boards look at them as a liability and find a reason to fire them. Even worse, there are few counselors who make it safe for a pastor to speak honestly about their personal lives. I know from firsthand experience that many "clergy treatment centers" claiming to offer "confidentiality," often share information with church boardmembers and fellow clergy under the guise of "accountability," often without the consent of the pastor/patient.As a result, pastors typically suffer in silence, trying to keep their churches, families, and communities together -- while they fall apart. When the private failures become public, pastors end up losing their churches, careers -- and often families -- anyway. Damned if they get help, damned if they don't. I've seen it happen over and over in the lives of far too many now-former pastors.I'm not sure what the answer is between accountability and authenticity. We absolutely need leaders that demonstrate ethical, moral lives. At the same time, we have to recognize that our pastors are people which means they are not perfect. Like us, they need safe places and people to be honest with about their own fears and foibles. In my humble opinion, however, until we stop treating our pastors as spiritual superstars we will continue to put them on pedestals only to relish knocking them off when they fail to live up to our expectations.As for education... I am going to leave that for another day since I've already pontificated enough about your first grousing!

MY RESPONSE TO RHONDA...

You touched on a lot of what I was planning my next blog to be about. Like I mentioned above to Stacy, I do think a big part of the problem is the who dynamic of how we do church and what we expect. I agree that pastors are in between a rock and a hard place a lot of times. It would seem to me, after working at churches with all sorts of stuff going on that was unhealthy, that there is a fundamental breakdown of how to really deal with our broken lives bumping into each other. One of the local churches here has a very low tolerance level for pastors participating in illicit activities. They know going in that there is a zero tolerance policy. But they are also one of the most compassionate churches around when the pastors do fall or struggle... they make sure they get counseling help, they also have a transitional program to help them transition into another job, helping to provide for them while the process is going on. They also provide that for pastors who are fried and feel like they need a change. Rather than leaving them hanging and feeling like they have no other options but to keep things hidden, and keep pastoring, they help them walk through the stuff. They are also great about reaching out to other hurting pastors and their wives. In a perfect world, denominations or loose church groups would have pastors to pastor the pastors. If one of the pastors was exhausted spiritually, or struggling... they would take care of them financially while the pastor and his spouse could get the rest and help they need. They would provide someone to assist at the church if need be, and make sure the pastor and his wife got the counseling and any other help they needed to really deal with the issues facing them. Unfortunately, as Tonio K sang... "this ain't no perfect world."I agree that we need to have a realistic view of pastor's and their families as human just like the rest of us and in need of love and family and care just like the rest of us. That's the way I always try to approach my friends who are involved with ministry. I want them to feel safe and like they can just be themselves with me. I think most of them would tell you they do... (even if I am a bad influence on them.) With my current pastor, I expect him to be human, to do stupid stuff, to have truly inspired moments sometimes, and to not be sleeping with someone who's not his wife. (which thankfully he's not doing and he loves his wife like crazy.) He's young and still in the middle of his own pastoral learning curve, but he's moving forward and he's not afraid to let people see him in process... and I love him for that.Having said that, I'm torn a lot of times between loving my friends in ministry and caring for the very real people in the church who are impacted by the pastor's careless activity. I've seen first hand the devastation that kind of turmoil causes in the lives of the people in the church. I have scores of friends who won't go to church any more because of being in a church that was torn apart by scandal. I have seen several pastor's who saw the damage they were doing to their churches and their families, stepped down and found a job doing other things. Some of them never went back but discovered that a whole new world of ministry opened up to them while they were going about their business, living their lives like the rest of us. Some of them eventually really worked through their issues and ended up back in the ministry. And then I've worked with pastors and had pastors who refused to take any responsibility for anything and went on with the behavior. Those guys I have no patience for.

I WILL WALK YOU HOME...

2008-08-13T23:05:00.000-07:00

Sunday, October 14, 2007
I Will Walk You Home... Current mood: hopeful Category: Life

I WILL WALK YOU HOME...
One of my younger friends commented that many of my blog entries were sad but ended with a twist. I started thinking about that. When I was younger sad seemed like a horrible thing. Sad has become relative though as I get older. Sometimes life is just plain hard... and painful... and we live through things that are hard to deal with emotionally, and spiritually and physically. We live in a fallen world with broken bodies. Death is a horrible thing to endure for those who are left behind. Even as believers we mourn... missing our loved ones and longing for our own homecoming.

This has been a season of loss. My friend Rhonda lost her husband so recently. My dear friend and music partner, Nancy lost her father last night. He was able to wait until her other sister made it from Northern California. She got the last seat on the plane to come down. He passed away about 5 minutes after they got back from the airport. She said it was a beautiful thing for them to all be able to be there together.

Today while she was with him, I was sitting and praying for them, and the journey they've been on. Nancy and her sisters have been able to be with their dad a lot in the last few months. I was thinking too, of talking to Rhonda when she was there in the room with her husband during his final hours. They were all able to help the people they've loved so much make that transition. Meanwhile they have to continue living here. I love and respect these people so much. I grieve for them as well, and cry with them. And I know that ultimately God holds us too, in the hollow of His hand. And that He will meet us in our grief... and we continue on that road that ultimately leads us home too. So yes, there is great sadness... and yet hope in knowing that we have a hope beyond the grave.

In the midst of everything today I wrote a song for them. Here is the beginning rough of the words:

I WILL WALK YOU HOME
I will take your hand
And I will walk you home
Right up to the door
Till you go in alone
I will walk away
See your lovely face
And hold it in my memory
Until I see you face to face

But until then...Until then...

He will walk you home
When you walk through that door
Show you wonders
You've never seen before
The ones you've been missing
Will meet you there
You'll walk together pain free forever
Without a care

but until then...Until then...

I will take your hand
I will walk you home
Right up to the door
Where you'll go in alone
And I will walk away
But I won't be alone
I'll carry each memory
Of the life that you have lived
and the goodness you have shown

Yes I will walk you home....Yes I will walk you home...
Then He will take you home
To the place you've longed for all along
We will walk you home.

©2007 Ransom Communications / 10/14/07 by Linda B

Gone Too Soon...

2008-08-13T22:56:00.000-07:00

Monday, October 01, 2007
Gone Too Soon... Current mood: contemplative
This is a blog from my myspace page
I know it's been a while since I've blogged but I this was really on my heart today.
October 1, 2007 (4:53pm)
Gone Too Soon...
I only saw Dennis one time. He and his wife and stepdaughter were here in town for a wedding that he was officiating. While my friend and I were enjoying a visit with his wife, he said hello to us and left to put the final touches on his preparation for the service. I'm a pretty good judge of character, and fairly cynical when it comes to trusting "clergy," but my first impression of him was "This is a man I could trust my soul with." That virtually never happens with me. He had kind eyes and I could tell he cared for the couple that were getting married that day.
I got to know him better through looking at his myspace page. It is filled with moving meditations written for different weeks of the liturgical year, as well as a rich list of books that were his favorites.
I got a chance to get a better picture of who he was through his wife. You can tell a lot about a man by how his wife talks about him. I loved the descriptive word pictures she used to describe him, his character, and his care and protection for her. I was very glad to see that they had found each other. After their visit here he began to have troubling physical symptoms. On September 11th they got the diagnosis of cancer, and the prognosis was not good. In the mean time an online journal was set up so that those who loved them could keep informed and pray for them. I was not surprised, reading the guestbook, how many people truly loved him and how many lives he had deeply touched. He struck me as a man who was really alive and wanted to live life to the fullest... and as someone who cared deeply about the people who populated his world.
On Saturday, I talked briefly with his wife, who was at his bedside as he was dying. I'm so glad that I had a chance to get in touch with her, so I could pray for them at that time. I found myself praying and weeping for them and their family. I also found myself thinking about this man's life. He was the kind of guy who invested in others and in what he believed in. I was thinking about some of the other people I've known who's lives seem to end so early... and how all of their lives have caused me to stop and reevaluate my own life, and remember how precious each moment we have with each other is. It made me remember that I need to live my life the way Dennis did. I'm sure I won't be the only one either. I am sure there are people who are teaching with a passion now because of his influence. I'm sure there are kids who believe that they can succeed with their education and make a difference in their worlds because of him. I'm sure there are people who will remember him and remember that God himself loved them and reached out to them through Dennis. I'm sure others, like me were reminded that in the religious community with the all the fakes and posers, that there are men who are trustworthy and who can be trusted to faithfully shepherd our souls. I know he leaves behind children and a wife who knew they were greatly
loved. So, here I celebrate a live well lived. Here I celebrate a man who got what was important in life. And here I offer a prayer that God would hold his wife and family in the hollow of His hand and meet them in this time of grief. Here I offer the challenge that we live our lives with that same passion, grace and mercy, and that we would care for each other the way that Dennis did. I hate death... I hate the destruction. God and I have had more than one heated discussion about that topic.
In the end I'm thankful for that encounter with Dennis. I'm thankful for the friendship of his wife Rhonda. I believe our meeting was no accident. She's become very dear to my heart in the time I've known her. I'm grateful for her willingness to include me in her world.
So today I'm grieving, and I am sad, and my eyes have looked a lot like giant swollen golf balls the last few days. In the future, when I think of this man and his family... I know that it will spur me on to live my life in the moment fully.
At the end of Rhonda's moving announcement of is passing she said this...
"at 11:24 p.m. Dennis' hand was taken by God to lead him into eternity.
Dennis Lee Cagle, January 27, 1951 - September 29, 2007
May eternal light shine upon him."

Changing Seasons...

2007-08-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

Sunday, August 26, 2007 (2:17pm)
Changing Seasons...

It’s interesting as I get older, what memories pop up from time to time. One of my internet buddies mentioned getting to take a trip back east and having the opportunity to see the leaves change. Here on the west coast we only have two seasons... the brown season, and if there is any rain during the year... the green season. My roots are in rural Kentucky and West Virginia. I am actually much more comfortable in a rural setting where there are things like land and farm animals... and the incredible show of all the leaves changing color in the fall.

When I turned 21 I lived in a house with a bunch of women I played in a band with (yes it was very much like a sitcom) and I was working at a media/video production house. I was working 7 days a week and I was exhausted... and I was very much missing my roots... and seasons. I had such a strong desire to get away and go see the leaves change color back in West Virginia where the hillbilly side of the family lives. I mentioned that to one of my roommates. The leaves changing were always symbolic to me of a more peaceful time of my life and having time to stop and enjoy the world. It was also the whole thing of having real seasons... something bigger to mark the passage of time for me than deadlines.

My roommate told a bunch of my friends and somehow managed to scrape enough money together to get me a ticket and contacted my boss to make the arrangements to get me off at work. (which was my now husband Ken who had the hots for me even then... I also suspect that's where the bulk of the money for the plane ticket came from.)

Being back there for me was such a healing and restorative time in so many ways. The leaves were exceptionally beautiful that year and I was there right at the peak. It was the first time I had seen my relatives since my mother had died when I was 14... sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, coming to grips with my family and heritage. I took a bunch of pictures while I was back there... of the leaves and the landscape. One of the close ups of those leaves still hangs in my teaching studio. I'm sure the kids wonder why its there in the middle of all the music stuff. But it serves as a reminder that I have a God in my life that loves me enough to see the real needs and desires of my heart and acknowledges them and helps sustain me through the long periods where there are no times of rest in sight. The photo still always makes me smile... a great memory as a gift. It's always a reminder to me that God chooses to use people to be his heart and his hands, and that it's good for me to watch for those opportunities to be that for others too.

It's interesting to me that here I spend 12 to 15 hours a day working in my teaching room that is at the back of the house. There's a great view out of the back windows that span probably about 10 feet or so... all I can see is the slope of the hill and trees... the house behind us is about an acre away hidden behind the trees... and the next door neighbor has 3 huge aspen trees in his back yard. The only way I notice the passage of seasons is to watch them grow leaves, have them turn yellow and then drop off. There's not enough weather here to really have much of that, so it's a wonderful thing to behold. I really want to get a Japanese maple to have here too since they are one of the few trees around here that will have that kind of fiery red leaves in the fall.

In the midst of my crazy schedule I can look up at the leaves and see that memory of being outside in the vastness of a changing landscape, and almost breathe the fresh mountain air. Then I can keep putting one foot in front of the other to take care of the tasks at hand and steal those moments where I remember the beauty in nature, and in caring friends who are precious gifts themselves. On the front of my notebook I use to keep track of all my students in I have van gogh's starry night at the top with a quote I found on the internet that stuck with me...

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying... 'I will try again tomorrow.'" That could be my motto. No matter how busy I am or what else is going on, I want to really live and appreciate what I do have around me.

When Ken and I went to Balboa Park last time I specifically went to the artist's village. They have an artist there who does glass vases. Her stuff is in galleries all over the country. They are brightly colored and have designs like fields of flowers or sunflowers with a deep rich blue sky at the top. I decided I needed one of those as a modern day reminder that He's still sees what I need now too. A few of her vases now sit underneath the leaves picture where I can see it. I think in the midst of all the work and the business I'm learning to look for life and nourishment in the small nooks and crannies of my life... probably like the desert creatures who learn to find sustenance one drop at a time, and in unusual places most people wouldn't think to look. I keep finding it unexpectedly in emails or quick phone calls with friends, or a great quote that I had forgotten in one of my favorite books, or playing with the dogs and seeing how much they love even a few minutes of goofy play time. I get it from standing on the back porch and watching the wind blow the plants around. And I find it in all the memories of love and friendship and the beauty in my memories landscape that I will always carry with me.

Remembering...

2007-08-22T00:42:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how interconnected we are sometimes. I'm never surprised but always amazed at all the bizaree and quirky friendships I have. Some have impacted me in such a lasting way that my life will never be the same anymore. My student and friend Annie was like that. I never met a kid that alive before. She was, and still is such a reminder to me of how much we need to live each moment. She was killed in an auto accident a few years ago. There's never a day that goes by though that I don't think about her and pray for her family. And partially because of her I keep going when I'm pooped out. Rock on Annie.

Important Note To Readers About Previous Posts...

2007-08-20T03:03:00.000-07:00

Most of the posts that appear here before this one originally appeared in my myspace journal. What's missing here are all the wonderful comments that my quite diverse group of friends left for me... so in a sense these posts are only half here. They will give you a little taste of my wacky world. I realize many of my friends don't have any experience with MySpace. This is the kinder, gentler format. Feel free to hang out and comment. I'll try to be better about posting here too.

Fallin' Apart...

2007-08-20T02:59:00.000-07:00

Fallin’ Apart...
Current mood: thankful Category: Friends
Tuesday, August 14, 2007 (8:18am)

It began a bit early this year. It's a strange phenomena that happens every year, mainly in the spring when everything gets hot and humid, and in the fall when everything gets cool and damp. This year our weather has been so wacky that we had a mild spring version and now are going for the traditional hot and humid one now instead. This does not bode well for the cold and damp one. What is it? It's the time when a billion things start breaking down and suddenly have to be fixed /replaced / fought with. In the last two weeks Ken's car wouldn't start... after push starting the car, (for those of you who know big 6'4" Ken and his little autopia like convertible this should conjure up some interesting images) lots of fidgeting and a new battery later the car is running. Of course he had to fix the voltmeter that crapped out while he was testing the battery. I've had several guitars go south that have made their way to the repair store... then there was the new strings for the cello to the tune of $136... including tax... and the changing of the new strings for I don't know how much yet. One of the dogs tried to go through the screen door while it was closed, and after it was ripped decided it was a good time to just rip it enough to go through all the way... thus double french screen door repair. The exterior doors on the house decide to shift every season too and either won't open or won't close and lock so Ken's been busy with them too. Last night I had quite the time unclogging the toilet. I guess the annual fall $600 plumber bill is waiting for awhile. I've had sluggish electronic equipment in my teaching room. My computer is struggling to keep up with new versions of software. The cable box went out. Ken and my bodies have been on the fritz too... etc. etc. etc. You get the drift.

I think it's kind of funny that our things don't like change any more than we do sometimes. Too hot... too cold... too wet... too dry... or a few too many bumps along the road and our things grouse and complain and stop working just like we do. We live in a fallen world that isn't always kind to us or our appliances.
In the midst of all that I've been very aware that it's only stuff. It can be replaced or fixed or upgraded for the new model.

People are a different story. I'm always amazed at how truly small or world really is and how our lives as humans have profound effects on each other. We are in this together somehow. I've been reminded of this as I've been with several friends as they've wrestled with the loss of friends and loved ones. A few have been only long distance in prayer. One of my friends spent part of her week last week working on getting plane tickets for some of her worried and grief stricken friends who needed to get back to where the bridge collapse was because their daughter was lost in the wreckage. She was able to get them free and discounted tickets to make their trip and their time a little easier. We talked about the whys of such an event... why so many survived an even that could have had so many more people seriously hurt or killed... But there's the nagging question why... why the ones who did lose their lives... why that particular family who already has suffered so much with other life tragedies.

One of my other friends lives in Afghanistan. The Korean missionaries weren't just news stories to her. They were her fellow ministry partners. This last week the worshiped and had a last meal together with their friends... the other Korean missionaries there who are being told to leave the country immediately and return home to Korea.

Several of my other friends have seriously ill parents who are nearing the end of their lives. They are struggling with the emotions of seeing their parents that they love in the process of dying.

I think for me this week it was a reminder of what really is important... which are the people who populate our world. We really are connected together. I'm thankful to have traveling companions along the way. I was comforted these last few weeks just by the presence of my friends and my family. I was amused by sparring haiku created by creative online buddies. I enjoyed conversations with several friends who I've known for years... some since my youth even. We lived out our fiery younger days together, and now we are growing older and weathering the storms that go with that together too, thankful for our shared history that makes for fewer words, less need for explanations, and a shared lifetime of memories and hope. We've seen each other's struggles and have seen the good changes too. I appreciate them just that much more for knowing the toughness of their journey, and their progress along the way. I've enjoyed the company of some of my newer (and many times younger) friends who have generously invited my to be a part of their worlds. I love seeing the story unfolding in them too and look forward to having a ring side seat. I love their passion and their zeal for life that will continue to rock their worlds long after I've done my exit from this planet. I've talked to some older and wiser friends who are struggling with their bodies but who have a lifetime of passion and wisdom to share... and are gracious enough to do so. I am a blessed woman to have all these people just a phone call or email away. I am so thankful to be able to share the whole of my life... the good the bad and the ugly with people that I can love who love me. Batteries and audio equipment and strings can be replaced. People will last forever. Life is good.

Blog 3 Today... the Happy Blog

2007-08-20T02:54:00.000-07:00

Saturday, August 04, 2007
Blog 3 Today... the happy blog

Saturday, August 4, 2007 (2:02am)
Current mood: sleepy Category: Life

Lest you all think I've been moping around this week, just dealing with abused kids, I am pleased to report that I've had a good time during this week off. I decided to avoid all things work related for the most part, except for banking and new student schmoozing.

Ken's been doing a lot better now that they have his insulin adjusted and his blood sugar has stabilized. We had a nice day at Balboa Park. We some saw some great photo exhibits in the photography museum... including Ansel Adams, the famous nature photographer. His prints are always so amazing to look at... the images are stunning. We also went to the art museum and so several exhibits, including one featuring impressionists. They had several Monets. What amazing paintings. We hung out in the park and just had a great day together. It was nice having Ken there feeling more like his old self. I was reminded how much I love that creative part of him that loves that kind of stuff.

We also wandered around in the artist's village down there that has working studios of tons of artists and photographers. I picked up some blown glass vases that I've been wanting for a long time. Before the traffic got so bad around here I used to love to go down there frequently. Every time we do go, I'm encouraged to be creative in the visual arts again.

We also went down to the harbor yesterday and enjoyed a great lunch and staring blankly at the boats etc for awhile.

I also got to see one of my dear friends who lives in New Jersey now. She's a wonderful reminder to me that sometimes being in stinky church situations are worth it because of the people you meet along the way.

For me it's been nice to be able to just sit and read and not have to be doing anything. I could use a few more weeks of the same thing. This is the first time in a long time where I had time off that was actually relaxing. Life is good.

Secret Scars...

2007-08-20T02:50:00.000-07:00

Secret Scars...
August 2007

Current mood: thoughtful Category: Life

Tonight in thinking about the camp, I thought of this poem I wrote years ago that's a part of my own story... and the story of the kids this week...

SECRET SCARS

The secret scars upon the heart
are deeper than those by
lash and rod.
They bruise
and mar for them
the very face of God.
A hurtful thing is
innocence betrayed-
At the hand of someone older
but not wiser.

Ten thousand hurts were mine
during my "glorious days of youth".
Before I could understand.
Before I could stand against
the beatings.
And yet- I know the glory
of the wounded hands reaching
out to mine.

4/1/88 Friday, Late night.

Of Whom the World is Not Worthy... Part Two

2007-08-20T02:45:00.000-07:00

Of Whom the World is Not Worthy... Part Two
Saturday, August 4, 2007 (12:04am)

Current mood: determined Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

This was written Friday afternoon at the camp...
It's quiet here in the amphitheater now. The stage is empty. The construction themed camp decorations have been removed. The debris of 98 campers and 90 something counselors and staff has been swept up and thrown away. The campers and the rest of the adults are down in the dining hall eating a last meal together before the busses arrive to take the kids back to their "normal" life. If you could call living in foster care normal. To protect the children and their privacy, no photography is allowed during the camp. Each year though their faces are burned into my mind. They are so young to have seen so much. Looking at them, I can't even fathom someone deliberately hurting any of them. They are such a diverse bunch. Some of them are quiet and reserved, but very tender hearted. Some are incredibly talented in art or music. Some of them are athletic. Some love being with the animals. Some of them are incredibly outgoing and want to be the center of attention. But they had a few things in common. They were great at encouraging each other. Whenever anyone did anything in front of the group, everyone clapped for them. They were genuinely kind to each other most of the time too.

Every year they have a graduation ceremony, honoring the kids that would be too old to come to the camp any more. Some of them had come every year they were eligible. Each of them came forward with their counselors, who spoke, telling them what they appreciated about them, and encouraging them to remember the truths they learned at the camp. Every year that is the time that breaks my heart. Due to the nature of the foster care system, once the kids leave the camp they are not supposed to have contact with any of the adults, including their counselors. It was so hard watching the kids, especially the graduating ones, struggling emotionally with the loss of something that had been precious to them. A couple of the girls especially were really struggling. I watched them clinging to their counselors and the other adults they were close to, like they were holding on to a life raft. Even a few of the boys, who were trying to be so tough, openly wept standing in front of everyone for the last time.

I realized this year while I was watching it all, in a deeper way, why this always effects me so profoundly. When I was 12, their same age, I was trapped in the middle of my own cycle of abuse. It was such a tough age. For me, my mother's mental illness was reaching it's peak. There was no camp for me. There was no rescue. But like those kids, that was the time when I first really came into contact with a loving God, who met me in the midst of the abuse and the pain. It was the beginning of hope for me that still continues to this day. And, these days, where life is hard for other reasons, and I find myself weary, spending some time each year with the kids, and at the camp, where I can breathe in and just rest, does me a world of good. I am thankful. It's my prayer that those kids will be able to leave the camp knowing that they are loved, that they are amazing, and that there is a "hope and a future" for them too.

Of Whom the World Is Not Worthy... part one

2007-08-20T02:38:00.001-07:00

Monday, July 30, 2007
of whom the world is not worthy... part 1

Current mood: thankful Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Christians get a lot of bad press. There are the sex scandals. There are plenty of people protesting others in a rude and hateful ways. There's the rampant financial waste on huge structures and mindless religious busy work. But there's also the other side of the picture. Not all Christians are hate filled, deviant, money mongers. There are always those who get it and go about their business living the real gospel. The bible says that real religion is to take care of the widows and orphans and strangers in the land.

Every year, all over the country, an organization called Royal Family Kids Camp organizes a series of camps for abused/abandoned kids, most of whom are in the foster care system. Different churches have the opportunity of putting on a camp, and raising the money needed to get the kids there, and providing the volunteers to staff the camp. Every year, one of my good friends churches does one of these camps, and they are gracious enough to let me join them. It's one of my favorite things to do. At their particular camp, which meets at a camp less than three miles from my home, they have around 100 campers a year, with about as many counselors and support staff. Each counselor has 2 campers. Some of the kids come back every year until they reach the upper age limit with 12 being the oldest.

It is so amazing to see the kids, who have lived through enough hellish experiences to end up removed from their families, have a chance to be just like other kids and have a great experience. I'm amazed to watch some of them blossom from year to year. They go away from the camp knowing that they are loved and cared for, by the people there, and by God.
It's not an easy job for the volunteers. Some of the campers have some serious emotional and behavioral issues. But if you ask them they'll be happy to tell you that it's more than worth it to them, and that they love it. I want to salute the people involved in the camp this week, and the countless others who decide that it's worth it to really live the gospel instead of just talking about it. I am so thankful to have the yearly reminder of what is really important to God's heart. May we all look for opportunities to make a difference in the world we share.

The First Church of Chuck E. Cheese...

2007-08-20T02:34:00.000-07:00

Sunday, June 17, 2007 (1:20 am)
The First Church Of Chuck E. Cheese

Current mood: contemplative Category: Religion and Philosophy

Yesterday I met one of my friends at Chuck E. Cheese. For the uninitiated, this is a pizza parlor/video game/play area designed to overstimulate anyone who walks through the door in less than 30 seconds... Not to mention the huge furry rodent mascot walking around like Micky Mouse at Disneyland. It would not be our normal hangout. We normally meet at a great Thai place. But she has 3 young sons, and since her ex-husband moved out of the area, we haven't been able to work out the logistics of an adult only visit. I thought the kids might enjoy a chance to pig out on pizza and play games till their eyes glazed over. They did seem to have fun. They would come running over occasionally with a handful of tickets they won on one game or another.

In the mean time their mom and I talked about life, love, suffering, weird experiences we've had lately, growing relationships, and our current need to deal with the hurt from our past. We also talked about connecting with God, the state of the church in America, being reminded about what was important through unexpected circumstances. She had just received a study bible in the mail that her ex had left behind with a bunch of her other stuff, when they had to move. It contained her study notes from her time in Bible school. The person who had it found her parents address inside it and sent it back years later. It was very timely for her to get it back in this season of her life. We also talked about the qualities in a pastor that are wonderful when they have them. She made a great point about being in a few churches when she was young were she had a sense that the pastor really cared for the congregation and took his time preparing to speak to the congregation seriously... and he cared for the people in his care. In our modern Christian subculture of hipness and humongous religious machines, I think we've lost that sense of family and connectedness. We looked at some books I just picked up for a lending library, and picked out a couple for her to take home and enjoy. Four hours later, the kids had finally glazed over, their game tokens were gone and it was time to cash in their winning tickets for giant bugs and tootsie rolls and get going. I left feeling like we had our very own church service. We were the body of Christ.

I spent a lot of years working in churches and was amazed at how we kept getting caught up in a bunch of useless religious activity which took up precious time and resources and drained any energy that we could have used to make a real difference in each other's lives and in the community. That could be ranting for a whole different blog. But as I've been growing older I realize that we ARE the church. The big machine might not ever get it. (Although I will continue to be a painful thorn in the side of the machine.) But my life can make a difference to the people I encounter. And their lives can also help transform mine. The church might overlook the single mom... but I have a choice that I can make. In the long run, I want my friends kids to know that there are people who love Jesus who also love them, and who love their mommy and who are committed to walking through the world with her. In that journey I'm happy to worship with her at the first church of Chuck E. Cheese.

To Write Love On Her Arms...

2007-08-20T02:29:00.000-07:00

Friday, June 08, 2007
To Write Love On Her Arms...

Current mood: thoughtful Category: Life

Some of you may have noticed that among my friends I have a couple of groups you might want to know about. One of them is the self injury help page... and the other is an organization called "To Write Love On Her Arms." Both are groups who are trying to reach out to kids who might be sucidal, depressed or involved with cutting or other forms of self injury. All this is much more common today than I think most people think. The Goo Goo dolls had a song a few years ago that talked about "you bleed just to know you're alive."

When I was in my childhood and teens, I grew up in a very unhealthy abusive environment. To say I was wounded and traumatized by it all was an understatement. I have damage in both of my wrists from punching walls at times of utter desperation and rage. I always tell the students I teach now that's a really bad idea when it comes to using your hands to play an instrument.

I am very aware when I use my hands to play music or write or some of the other things that I do, that it's much better for me to use them for something that brings about beauty and healing for others. I am also aware of what a miracle it is that I literally lived through that, and that my hands, or the rest of me for that matter are functioning.

A few weeks ago in the midst of the worst of the medical stuff with Ken and the other stress and emotional pain I was experiencing I just snapped and slammed my fists repeatedly into one of the doors. It took several days to recover from that. I could have seriously injured myself at that point. It has been a long time since I did anything like that. It was a good reminder that sometimes pain and my own humanity can be overwhelming, and that I still need to deal with it in a different healthy way.

I am thankful that I have friends who love me and who can be a help and a comfort in times like that. It was also a reminder to be aware of the pain that some of my younger students feel. I've included a link to a video here that was inspired by "To Write Love On Her Arms." For anyone who spends time with kids, learn to look for the warning signs. Love them and encourage them to get the help they need. It was a good thing for this band to be willing to record this song and to offer a different perspective. I wish there was someone in my life when I was young who could have helped me. For anyone who struggles with this feel free to message me. There is so much hope even if you don't feel it right now.

The link to the video is below. It is a great music video. I would warn you it is pretty graphic in it's content though, but very moving.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTdjCsZoW_0

In Memorial...

2007-08-20T02:27:00.000-07:00

Monday, May 28, 2007
In Memorial...

Current mood: touched Category: Life

My father was career Navy. During my early childhood we lived in Rhode Island, Florida and South Carolina before we moved to California and he got out of the service. My early childhood was punctuated with him being gone for long periods of time out on the ship. As a matter of fact, he was in the middle east when I was born. It was always hard to drop him off at the Naval Base. My mother never did well either with his absences. He lived through World War II. He had mementos from all his other trips around the house... an Irish shallaie. Vases from Italy and Greece. But the things from the war he had stashed away out of sight... a Japanese rifle with bayonet and photo albums I didn't see till I was much older filled with pictures of him as a younger men with his buddies from the boat, and darker images of devastation and death. It wasn't till we were both much older and his life had changed drastically until he would talk about it. I could tell there was so much pain there that he carried inside. He was just 18 when he joined the Navy... a fresh faced farm boy. He soon saw the world, became a man, and had something inside of him die. I think it's the story of his generation. They had a job to do and they did it. There was a need and they stepped up to the challenge.... and they suffered in silence when they came home. One of the casualties of war in my father's life was his relationship with God. He said he just saw too much.

Later in his life he almost died in his 50's. He felt like he had a second chance on life and he came to grips with some of that pain and began to talk about it. He also got back on speaking terms with the God of his childhood. In the process the hatred he felt towards the Japanese and other people who were different than him was dissipated too. It was amazing to watch his life come full circle. I was proud of him for who he was and how he lived his life.

When he died, I contacted the powers that be to have a military honor guard for his funeral. I found out that so many World War II vets were dying that they didn't have enough honor guards to do all of their funerals. They suggested that I contact the Veterans instead. They came to do my father's funeral. I managed to hold it together for the whole service until we were at the graveside and these Veterans were doing their part. Here were men my father's age who lived through what he did. They were there to remember out of respect for his memory and the memory of all their friends they lost. They carefully folded the flag from his casket and handed it to me so gently and so lovingly and I just broke down at the thought of what these men, and my father had lived through, and their willingness to protect us... and the sacrifices they made.

Today I'm also thinking about my friend Lisa. She was young and in love. She was scheduled to get married when her fiancee got back from Iraq. She was pregnant with their first baby... a little girl. I saw the ultrasounds. Less than a month before the birth of her baby she got word that he was killed while he was out on patrol and they were ambushed. She had to deliver her baby while she was grieving the loss of the man that she loved. Her little girl is the spitting image of her father. When Katrina hit, she went back to New Orleans to help. She said she knew what it was like to lose everything and need a helping hand. She's doing everything she can to keep his memory alive for her little girl. She's my hero. And so was he. He was a man doing his job. It's my hope and prayer that not many more of our men and women will have to give their lives in this horrible war.

The Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves...

2007-08-20T02:22:00.000-07:00

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves...

Current mood: thankful Category: Music

Way back when I started playing guitar (when dinosaurs roamed the earth) there were very few good visible women guitarists, or musicians at all for that matter... at least when it came to rock music. There were a few... Joni Mitchell certainly was amazing. There were some singers. But I hardly ever saw a woman with an electric guitar. And I wanted to rock. I started playing bass and electric guitar in bands. I mainly ended up with guys who were several years older than me with years of experience. Finally Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart showed up... Suddenly there were these women who could ROCK. The were doing Zeppelin covers even and pulling them off. People didn't know what to do with them. I needed to see that. I had no other female friends who played. I was fortunate to have some great guys to play with who thought it was cool that I was a girl and I could play. I had plenty of guys around who didn't though. Plenty who wouldn't take me seriously. My own parents wouldn't give me lessons or let me play the drums when I was young "because I was a girl." I can remember one of the first times I did a gig in high school playing with some college aged guys... we went up on the stage... we were playing hard core rock... and when I went to pick up the bass to put it on people actually laughed... they thought I was kidding and making a joke. The laugh was on them. Then... and now I always have the element of surprise.

I wish I could say that things were very different now and that we live in a more "enlightened" times where there is not that kind of discrimination against the concept of good female musicians. But I still see it every day when I'm teaching. I think that this generation is not as hung up on gender roles and that they are more likely to accept the fact that females could be good musicians. But my male students still don't want to play with the females. Frankly it pisses me off. And I try to combat it as much as possible. But I see my female student's frustration. They want to play with other people. But I'm on a mission now. I want to make sure that they ROCK. I want them to excel. I want them to be able to hold their own with the guys and command respect because they are great players. And I want them to know about the women who've gone before them to pave the way... There are so many. Just like I try to expose them to all kinds of music, I want them to know that there are some great players in all different kinds of music that they can look to as incredible role models. I want them to know about Bonnie Riatt and Rory Block... and their ability to rip your heart out with their amazing voices and blues licks, and Ann and Nancy Wilson and their ballsey rock n' roll. I want them to know about the great singer/songwriters like Shawn Colvin and Patty Griffin and Patty Larkin. I want them to hear the different musical visions of Kaki King and Ani DiFranco. I want them to hear some of the great female country artists who have been owning the stage for decades now. And I want them to have the chance to see women like Vicki Randle, the amazing singer and multi-instrumentalist who they can see every week night playing in the band on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. These women have helped pave the way for the next generation to step up and bring it. These women have inspired me to play on, regardless of what anyone ... male or female thought about me playing. I'm hoping that I can help raise up a tribe of female musicians, young and old, who can play the music in their souls. And I am thankful for each one of them. They inspire me. I'm also thankful for the male musicians in my life who saw me as a musician first and were willing to put aside gender bias and let me be a part of their lives.

No Rest Of The Weary...

2007-08-20T02:18:00.000-07:00

Monday, May 07, 2007
No Rest For The Weary...

Current mood: exhausted Category: Life

I had last week off. I started it exhausted and was looking forward to some much needed R & R. Unfortunately, Ken had some major health issues that made it the most stressful week for me in 10 years... and that's saying something. I'm facing going back to work today completely physically and emotionally depleted. Sometimes life is just hard. Most of the week I would have rather had someone poke me repeatedly in the eye with a sharp stick than deal with the stuff I was having to deal with. And of course in the middle of it there are always people who think by saying the magic words, or praying the magic prayer, or being stronger, or dancing naked in the moonlight, or whatever, that someone will sprinkle pixy dust and everything will be wonderful. My theory is that those people are clueless.

There were some high spots though. I had pig therapy one day. One of my friends brought their miniature baby pot bellied pig over for a visit. That was a wonderfully bizarre diversion. The little guy didn't even look real but was very friendly and fun to play with.

Several of my friends drug me out for a much needed break and meal. It's amazing how good just plain old human contact can be. No one could fix what was going on last week, but their companionship along the journey was greatly appreciated. I also managed to get the beginnings of a great books lending library set up, which made me very happy. And somehow, I had some great divine appointments too. I finally got about a half hours rest and relaxation Sunday afternoon.

I sat down to plan my teaching for today and I am at a complete loss. I'm glad I love teaching and I love the interaction with my students. Hopefully they will help jump start me. Sometimes having a successful week is just staying alive and moving on. Here's to a better week.

Sharply Focused Acts of Kindness...

2007-08-20T02:14:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Sharply Focused Acts of Kindness...
or, Way tooooooo long with no blogity blog
Current mood: thankful

This has been a busy wacky year so far. Too long has gone by since my last real blog entry at the beginning of the year. I have been thinking about a lot of things to blog about, but several of them will require some actual thought on my part. Hopefully I will be able to sit down and write about them soon. I began the blog that follows a few days after Valentine's day, and finished it tonight. I've been contemplating just how important it is for us as humans to be connected to each other. I'd love to hear your comments on the subject.

Sharply focused acts of kindness...
These days months, sometimes years rush by. Life for me is a blur of teaching... working from early morning to late at night... to make enough money, mainly to pay for medical care. Sometimes the process is kind of demoralizing and draining. Its certainly not what I had envisioned for this season of my life. I mark the changes in the seasons by watching the leaves on the huge aspen tree next door change color, fall off and grow in again. I have weeks where I never make it to the back yard even from Mon. to Thurs.

I love teaching. I love my students. I'm just weary from too too many hours. But sometimes in the midst of my wacky week, students will do something for me that reminds me again that I'm human, and cared for. One family of students brings great smoothies with them for me sometimes. Another brings my favorite coffee drink from Starbuck's.

One student has surprised me many times with things that make me stop and wonder at how much she's really paying attention to me and my life, not just as an extension of my guitar. I know she has no idea just how much of an impact she has on me on a regular basis. A while ago she mentioned that she and her husband were going up to Julian to get away. We were talking about how beautiful it is there and how Ken and I enjoy the apple cider and pies that come from there. A few days later there was a knock on the door. They were on their way home and they dropped off a pie and some cider. I scored! It was totally unexpected and a wonderful surprise. At Christmas time she gave me a gift certificate for Costco, which was perfect for me since I get work related things there all the time... not to mention all sorts of nifty stuff that lives there. Recently we just had Valentine's day. She surprised me with a great rock n' roll based card with a gift certificate from one of my favorite restaurant. She had noticed a menu on the fridge, and thought I might enjoy that. I think what touched me the most was that she took the time to notice. She went out of her way to notice. It was an act of premeditated, sharply focused kindness. It was good for my heart. It was even better for my soul. It was a reminder that my life matters to other human beings. I think we all need that. We all have the opportunity to do the same for each other. For me, it wasn't the gifts, it was the thoughtful human contact... a reminder that I'm not alone as I power through my days... that other people are thinking about me... and praying for me... and caring for me... even when we can't spend a bunch of time together face to face. That a wonderful thing about myspace too. We have the ability to just drop by and say hi.

So to any of you who are reading this; I want you to know that I appreciate having you as a part of my life. Thank you for your kindness and for caring for me.

Only As Good As Your Last Exploit...

2007-08-20T01:49:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

You're Only As Good As Your Last Exploit...

I've had quite the wacky life overall. It could be described a lot of ways, but boring isn't one of them. I've had a lot of different careers and a lot of weird experiences over the years. I've met quite the cast of characters along the way. I certainly have enough material for a book, but if I published it as non fiction, a lot of people wouldn't believe part of it.

In that way I feel blessed. Through everything... the highs and the lows I've had the chance to really live and to live three lifetimes worth already. This year I'll celebrate my 49th birthday. My mother died in her 49th year. From the time she died I always wondered if I would make it longer than her. The truth is that in some ways I'm just getting started. There's so much more I want to learn... so much I want to get better at... and so many things yet to experience. So, whether it's here for years to come or the ultimate adventure, I want to make the most of it and live with passion. I don't want to drift though life. And, no matter what my circumstances and what I have to do to make enough money to pay the bills, I don't want that to be the beginning and ending of my life.

For some reason, throughout my life, there has been this oral tradition of stories about me passed around from my friends. A lot of times when I meet people they will start with... "So you're Linda B." and go on to mention some weird story about my life. Over the decades the stories change. It used to be unnerving but eventually I realized that it was cool that part of my life had made enough of an impact, good, bad or wacky, for them to remember it.

I remember on new years eve in 1999 when I was contemplating the new century, I thought, "gee things have to be better than this next year." It turned out to be one of the hardest years ever, and the beginning of a whole tough decade for me. But in the middle of it all I refuse to sit down by the side of the road and watch my life go by. It's time for new exploits. And I want you guys who are reading this to join me. I want for us to learn how to love each other more and truly care for each other. I want for us to learn how to care for the people who populate our world and our personal phone book.

And this year I have a special specific goal. I want to be a light and an encouragement to the generations that will follow in my generations footsteps and who can make a difference in their worlds. I want them to know how important they are. How precious they are to God. I want to invest in their lives and I want to challenge you who are my age and reading this to do the same.
So, bring it on... bring on 07 with it's joys and challenges. Bring on the new relationships. Bring on the deepening relationships. Bring on new exploits.

To my younger friends... tell your friends who want to write me on myspace and become my friend there. Tell them to message me and tell me about their lives. You guys continue to challenge me to live my life with Jesus honestly and passionately before you too. Let's keep the dialog going this year. Let's hash through the stuff we are struggling with. Let's end '07 with some great new stories to tell.

Taking Stock...

2007-08-20T01:32:00.000-07:00

Monday, November 06, 2006
Thankful... Current mood: thankful
This time of year I always try to take stock of my life and remember just what it is I have to be thankful for. Most of the time these days it's not too hard. Sometimes, like this last week, I get overwhelmed and it gets lost in the shuffle.

Sometime in the early 80's I spent several year with insomnia and some serious health stuff. Along the way I turned into a glass half empty girl for awhile. One day my astute, and mostly longsuffering husband said... "do you realize you just complained about the same thing 12 times today... I've been keeping track." After getting over being annoyed at him for a) keeping track, and b) sharing that information with me, I stopped to think about it. I had been so overwhelmed with the tyranny of the urgent and the health stuff, that I had lost sight of all the good things in my life. I decided it was time for some serious attitude adjustment, so I decided to start by journaling not just the bad stuff going on, but in making lists of things I had to be thankful for. They were pretty funny at first. I managed to put a negative spin even on thankfulness... I'm thankful that I'm not dead... I think. I'm thankful that I'm only miserable and don't have a deadly disease... yet that I know of... etc... Slowly but surely though practicing thankfulness as a lifestyle became easier. It also made the hard times easier when I stopped to realize how much go there was mixed in with it.

This week more than a few things came to mind to be thankful for.. these a just a few...

That I was born in a place where I've been able to live and thrive without having to struggle to find enough food or shelter, or struggle against the elements. We live in one of the most beautiful places in the world with an amazing climate.

I'm thankful that somehow, no matter what, we always manage to make ends meet and have some left to share with others.

That I am truly blessed to be able to do something I love for a living, have my own business, set my own schedule, and be able to work at home without having to commute anywhere. I have the opportunity to be a part of my student's lives and my own life is much much richer for it. Somehow a steady stream of students always end up at my door.

I'm thankful to have an incredibly diverse group of people in my life on a regular basis. I have great friends, including some I've known for 35 years. They stimulate my heart, my soul, and my mind, they stir up my creativity. They remind me of what's important in life. Many have become the family that I never knew. And some have modeled for me what it looks and feels like to be loved and cared for by God.

I'm thankful for the creative process and all that goes into it. I'm still amazed and how full of color and texture our world is. I'm thankful that someone figured out I couldn't see so I could get glasses and begin to really see things without them just being a big blur. I'm thankful that I can pick up a variety of instruments and be able to express some things that I just can't adequately communicate with words. Someone said "he who plays, prays twice." That is very true to me.

I'm thankful for life itself. There were times when I could have easily died due to illness, or dangerous circumstances, or early on, at my own hand. I am so thankful that I've had that time... I've met the people I've known since then and had all the experiences I would have missed out on. I've lived 3 lifetimes already and have been had so many amazingly diverse experiences along the way.

I'm thankful for the healing and restoration that I know could only come from God. When I was young I was so angry and bitter and self destructive. I have damage in both wrists from pummeling walls and things like that. It was nothing for me to be enraged or to carve on myself. Now every time I use my hands to play an instrument, or to type something, or to do massage, or any of the other creative pursuits I have, I am reminded of what a miracle that is. And even though I have a long way to go, I am so thankful that I'm so much more whole emotionally too. I can look someone in the eye and have a genuine conversation with them, even knowing the risk that I could be wounded. I can cry or laugh and express emotion freely. I can have someone touch me without jumping out of my skin. I can care deeply for someone. I'm thankful that my journey has been encouraging to others and a reminder that there's hope for them too.

And on a personal note... if you care enough about me to be reading this... I am thankful for you too.

Hopeful Grousing....

2007-08-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

November 2006
It is now 4:01 in the morning. I had this week "off" from teaching. I was looking forward to having a productive week learning some new recording software and getting other work related things done. But, once again the software update didn't arrive for the umpteenth time. I spent the beginning of the week with my back out, being exhausted and feeling generally horrible. I spent the middle of the week dealing with Ken and I both feeling bad, and trying to push through anyway to get stuff done. I spent the end of the week saddened by the fact that I bothered to try to get work done at all and wishing that I could have just said "forget it" and just taken the time OFF to rest and unwind.

Normally I try to be a "glass half full" kind of girl, but today I was just sad. I tried to shift gears and get other work done... cds downloaded into Itunes... songs entered into the computer and transposed, etc... but at each step I had computer problems. I think I'm just bone tired... I'm weary. I think I normally have a pretty productive life considering... I run my own business... work 50 to 60 hours a week... try to spend time with my husband and the dogs... try to be creative on the side and also invest in the lives of the people around me. All those things I enjoy most of the time.

I think what I miss in my heart of hearts is being able to just sit and stare at the ocean and read a book. Deep inside of me I just wish there was someone who would say "I'll take care of you." I know from talking to my friends that is an ache that many of us share... sort of an ancient cry from our childhood where we missed that from our parents. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mother's death at the ripe old age of 49. I was barely 14 and I've been taking care of myself since I was 11 really. I know some of you reading this can relate. Until this moment, I didn't really think about how that all plays into my grief. As John Hiatt says in his great song "Thirty Years Of Tears," "these are tears from a long time ago.

No one held a gun to my head this week and told me I had to work instead of taking a vacation week. That was my own poor choice. Next time I need to turn my brain off, and just go play. I also need to remember that even in the midst of everything this week, Ken and I were able to cook and freeze a bunch of great, healthy meals that we'll have in the upcoming weeks when we are busy. I also got to see several of my friends I really enjoy, and will see several others this weekend and have a chance to be creative and work on music. And, having something that resembled intestinal flu part of the week gave me plenty of time for some reading I wouldn't have normally gotten to. Being awake at night gave me time to play the guitar. Ok, so the glass is a quarter full. Time to quit whining and try to get some sleep.

For those who are interested... This is a great song by John Haitt. It resonates with me a lot.

THIRTY YEARS OF TEARS by John Hiatt...
Is this a place I can rest my poor head
To gather my thoughts in sweet silence
Is this a place where the feelings aren't dead
From an overexposure to violence
And is this a place I can slowly face
The only one I truly can know
These are tears from a long time ago
I got these tears from a long time ago
I need to cry 30 years or so
These are tears from a long time ago
Oh Darling, oh darling, say unto me
Where have you been all my lifetime
Well I have been swimmin' the seven sad seas
Fair women have thrown me their lifelines
And I just pulled them on to the water's dark grin
I'd have warned 'em but I didn't know

These are tears from a long time ago
I've got these tears from a long time ago
I need to cry 30 years or so
These are tears from a long time ago

Well, I've cried me a river, I've cried me a lake
I've cried till the past nearly drowned me
Tears for sad consequences
Tears for mistakes
But never these tears that surround me
Alone in this place with a lifetime to trace
And a heartbeat that tells me it's so

I've got these tears from a long time ago
These are tears from a long time ago
And I need to cry 30 years or so
These are tears from a long time ago
These are tears from a long time ago
I've got these tears from a long time ago

A Quirky Survey

2007-08-20T01:07:00.000-07:00

October 2006

Here's an odd survey for those who complain about the same 'ol...

So far who did you talk to the most today?

ARRG... no talking... just woke up... leave me alone!

What is the best name for a butler?

Eggburt or Herbert Snorkblat

What is the thing you are picked on most about?

The piles of stuff around... hey I know where stuff is most of the time.

What was your last weird encounter?

Most of my encounters are weird because I am. It's the encounters with really "normal" people that are strange to me.

What's the weirdest story of one of your scars?

I have an L shaped on my arm next to my elbow because I was riding my bike with no hands as a kid and ran into the back of a parked car... my mom wouldn't let me in because she didn't want me "bleeding all over the house."

Do you remember the part from Bambi when Bambi learns to say bear?

Bambi... all I can remember about that movie was my friends 3 year old watching it and running in to his mom yelling "deer fall down... deer fall down." I don't like that movie.

What color is your toothbrush? Blue and white

What is your middle name spelled backwards? Nollid

Can you eat well with chopsticks?

I'm WAY too uncoordinated.

What odd things creep you out? Clowns... and decorated urinals at women's events.

Have you ever felt an earthquake? You bet... rock and roll!

What do you do with the hot grease when you're done cooking bacon?

I use it so infrequently that I buy microwave bacon. it's all contained in a cooking bag and just goes in the trash.

How many good friends do you have? About 20

But I do know half of the people in the known universe

What's the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?

I like a wide variety of foods and have eaten some pretty weird combos, but I can't think of anything particularly weird since I've been an adult.

What color are your socks today?

Socks Schmocks... shoes schmoose.

What is your favorite word that starts with the letter G? Gibson

(as in guitars)

Who do you blame for your mood today?

The sleep fairy who forgot to sprinkle pixy dust on me so I could go to sleep before 4 this morning.

If Ricky Martin had a trademark what would it be?

No one with a song as bad as She bangs even exists in my musical universe.

What is something scientists need to invent?

the perfect PMS food that would include chocolate, something salty and red meat.

What is the closest object to your left foot?

A giant begging drooling dog.

Who is your favorite Golden Girl?

Betty White... not for that show though but for her role in the horror/comedy flick "Lake Placid" where she was feeding cows to the killer crocodile.

Do you have an inside joke that has to do with numbers?

Nah not numbers... now if it involved poultry... that would be another story.

What is the longest amount of hours you have slept in a row?

About 22 when I was suffering from extreme exhaustion working on a media project when I was in my 20s. The family that let me come stay with them and sleep might well have saved my life.

What story do you tell most often?

who cares about often? My favorite story to tell was about playing at a women's event with way over the top decorations and a severe case of being clueless about what was really important.

How do Ugly people make you feel?

Physical ugliness doesn't bother me at all. Emotional ugliness which I would equate with being abusive I won't tolerate.

Where was your mother's hometown? A wee little place in West Virginia

Where was your father's hometown? A wee little place in Kentucky

What are the posters on your walls?

I just got to Shawn Colvin posters to put up but most of the stuff on my walls is art or signs... including some Fender signs and one that says Noise or music audible more than 50 feet prohibited. I also have a weird ugly painting of a woman playing guitar, a cool pen and ink one of my amazing Jewish artist friends did of God creating man, and a bunch of Ken and my photos on the wall.

Say two words that rhyme.

Slime Thyme

Do you use online terms in real life? Not if I can help it.

What do you think people think of you? Quirky, quirky quirky caring, creative.

Do you think this year will be better than the last?

We could sure hope so.

Who is the 1st person on your incoming call list and how do you feel about them?

Nancy W. She's a great friend and a great creative collaborator. I love who she is and her willingness to keep wrestling with some of the hard issues we face in our world that a lot of people just want to ignore or avoid.

Do you know who Salad Fingers Is? Whoever that was who lost a finger at the Subway the other day?

What is the stupidest thing you have ever done? Loaned instruments to people who just lost them, had them stolen or just gave them away to someone else.

What is your favorite commercial of the moment?

The Geico commercials with the announcer or peter graves interpreting what the customer is saying.

What does it take to make you cry? Missing someone... these days especially a few people who've died, or who have changed so much that I miss the old them.

What are you looking forward to?

Having a week off in a week, hopefully without being sick or anyone dying.

Have you ever cried because you thought you were ugly?

Yep plenty of times.

Who did you kiss today? No one yet... aaarggg stay away from me... I just woke up... danger will robinson! Can you tell I'm not a morning person?

What do you like to do when you are alone?

Play my guitar, read, write something, pray, take pictures, go for a drive with good music playing.

Who are your 2 favorite characters on Full House?

What a horrible horrible show!

What is missing from your life?

Time when I'm not working. A chance to really rest. A second income.

Would you be ashamed if you wore hippie clothes?

Nope... I probably still have some in my closet. Hey what goes around comes around.

Grab the closest book, what does the 7th sentence on the 23rd page.

Nothing in english... it's a cool rhythm part from blues song called "Born With A Broken Heart" from "The Blues Guitar Bible."

If it was your last day on earth what shoes would you wear?

Comfy running shoes.

Do you own a Super Nintendo? Nope PS2 which is currently being monopolized by the new Legos Star Wars 2 game. It's true we have no kids. It's true we play video games. It's nice to be able to beat stuff up.

What do you think of Law and Order? I like it but have 75 different offshoots is a little much. SVU is a little close to home sometimes for me.

Can you name all 7 dwarfs? I could… what's in it for me. I like the 7 PMS dwarfs better.

Who is the hottest drummer you know? Kenny Arnoff... hands down... no question. I want to be him when I grow up.

Have you ever pretended to be Jewish? No.

What was the last thing you thought you lost, but then you found it?

Keys... and songbooks... it's always the keys or the songbooks.

What were you doing at midnight last night?

Typing new song sheets into the computer and listening to Molly Jenson on Itunes.

If you had a ball of clay what would you mold it into?

A guitar playing guy... abstract.

What does your Milkshake bring to the yard? Ugly lactose intolerant things.

Do you have any famous relatives? Nope

Voting Why Bother???

2007-08-20T00:58:00.000-07:00

Friday, October 20, 2006 (2:05am)
Why I'm Going To Vote Even Though Everything In Me Screams Why Bother...

One of my friends and I have been having an ongoing discussion lately about how frustrated we are with the current condition of the government. (See also my blog entry Jesus Was NOT A Republican) I've always had this hope that one day I would be able to go to the polls and feel like I was actually happy to vote for a candidate. Now that I'm older and wiser I realize that most politicians are not to be trusted, regardless of party.

I've been so aggravated by it all that for the first time in years I didn't vote in the primary this time. I was one step away from "why bother" for the election in November until I really started looking at the all the other things on the ballot this time. The crooked politicians we will have with us always. And even though I normally vote pretty conservatively politician wise there are some "conservatives" I could never vote for. For example, I personally would rather vote for Satan himself than to vote for Darrell Issa. The problem with working in media is that I've seen too much of the dark underbelly of way too many organizations.

It's interesting to me that some of the propositions that I actually care about have been buried in all the hoopla about certain other propositions. For example:
Prop 90 A proposition that would bar state/local governments from condemning or damaging private property to promote other private projects. It personally makes me very angry that in our country governments can decide to swipe my property under the imminent domain laws, not to make way for a school or road or something, but to give to a developer to put something "more profitable" for the city on it. I don't want to be 80 years old and having to "relocate" because someone wants to build high density housing here. That alone is worth me going to the polls for.
Prop 85 Waiting period and parental notification before termination of minor's pregnancy. I certainly might be wrong but I think regardless of which side of the abortion issue you fall on, minor's shouldn't be able to make such a major medical life decision without parental input. Kid's can't get an aspirin without parent's permission at school. I know from experience with a bunch of people that the decision to have an abortion can leave the person with some intense emotional issues to deal with, as well as physical ones. That's a lot for a minor to deal with alone. I say this even having grown up in a home where it was better for me to not deal with my parents with anything and where home was a dangerous place. I need to get more info on the proposition, but this is certainly one that I shouldn't ignore.
Prop. 83 Increases penalties for violent and habitual sex offenders and child molesters. Prohibits residence near schools and parks etc... Again an issue that can't be ignored. There needs to be more protection for the kids. The down side is that it tends to go probably too far. After running abuse recovery support groups, and also having do deal with abusers, I know so many people who will be impacted on both sides. I know a few convicted abusers who have turned their lives around who would be forced to move their residence and their business if this passes. But I also know a lot of people who will be able to rest a little easier and a lot of jerks who might just think twice before acting on their baser instincts.

Then there are those other pesky propositions that sound like good ideas but are so bogged down in pork or stupidity that they would be useless and it would be better to go back to the drawing board to come up with another plan. There are also the one's who would help to drive our taxes even higher.

Sure the propositions are a lot like the politicians... stinky and imperfect... but worth the attention nonetheless. So come November 7 I'll drag my sorry self down to the polling place and use the touch screen technology that hates me and I'll grouse about it and be angry and sad about the whole thing. But I refuse to roll over and play dead while the current political regime walks all over us without a fight.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I hope you drag yourself there too.

2007-08-19T17:13:00.001-07:00

In Memory Of John...

2006-07-11T01:42:00.000-07:00
Today in the middle of teaching I got a phone call. It was one of my previous media/video associates telling me that our mutual friend and previous co-worker, John Sacrenty had died. He had been working on a project and wasn’t feeling all that great. He went to take a nap for a while and when his wife went in to wake him up, he had passed away. So many memories flooded through my mind.

John and I worked together in the early eighties on large multi-screen, multi-image projects. Some of them were a lot of work, with intense deadlines etc. One of them in particular took an enormous toll on both of us physically. It started out as something that sounded doable. But the show ultimately was a nightmare to work on, with an unrealistic deadline and a lot of pressure. We spent several months working almost round the clock with literally 2 or 3 hours a night sleep. By the time we put the show together it was like something out of a bad horror movie. We were stuck alone in the middle of a stormy Michigan winter in the ranch house of a summer camp. No one else was there but a bunch of very cold animals. By then both of our health was failing. Even though we were in our 20's I was actually afraid that we wouldn’t live through the experience. I was hallucinating from lack of sleep. John started having seizures. By the time we were done with it all neither one of us was the same physically. John especially was sick a lot and never had the same level of energy. Somehow we lived through it together.

The good news for John was that he met the love of his life there. I think that by far was the brightest spot in the whole ordeal. I will also say that show touched many people’s lives. It was seen all over the country. It was trouped by many large ministries. It took on a life of it’s own and continued on long after we went home and tried to nurse ourselves back to health.

John was an amazing human. He was quite the quirky character... and character was a good word for him. He had a brilliant mind and was amazing at what he did. He had that creative spark that is so rare. He wasn’t afraid to try different things. He also had no corporate interpersonal skills. He was no brown noser... which drove the poor middle management guys at the companies who hired us to do their media crazy. John wasn’t impressed by power or position. I think in someways the big corporate mucky mucks liked that because we would just treat them like normal human beings. John looked for and respected people who had character and backbone... and that he respected.

He could be exasperating sometimes while he was working... he would be so focused that it was hard to get his attention. He was not a big multi-tasker. But he would pick up conversations we had started weeks or months before without warning or explanation in the middle of something else. Luckily somehow I could follow that. I actually punched him one night he aggravated me so much. But there’s so much that I loved about him. I loved his intensity and his passion for the things he threw himself in. I loved his love for Julie, his wife and his growing family. He was very conservative in his politics and very opinionated about the state of Christianity in the US. We didn’t always totally agree, but I loved his willingness to really think the stuff through. I’m sure some people would call him a curmudgeon. To me he was just a quirky, great guy.

I’m going to miss him. Even all these years later we still would keep in touch. He would send emails about stuff that he was either fuming or musing over. Sometimes he would call me when he was off on the road working. A few years ago he called and there was a huge noise in the background. When I asked him where he was, he said he was backstage... he was on tour with Metalica doing their media. I couldn’t even imagine him being able to stand listening to their music. But he loved his family and was willing to do whatever it took to provide for them.

And now he’s gone. And his wife will somehow have to go on and try to figure out how to take care of all the kids. It’s the curse of the self employed that there isn’t the good insurance plan to fall back on.

And tonight I feel old. Most times that time in my life seemed like yesterday. But then something like this happens... or I look in the mirror and see the gray hair... and realize that was a lifetime away. Goodbye my friend.

The Real Thing

2006-06-28T00:06:00.000-07:00
Last week my music buddies and I led worship for a women's event at my previous church. I'm still very connected there and love the people and the pastor. In the middle of the day, on his day off, with a bad back, he met me there at the church and lugged sound equipment and spent hours setting it up. This was after he stopped by a coffee house to get his administrative assistant a much needed coffee drink. Watching him do all that, the thought hit me... "this guy's the real thing."

I've worked at churches and been at churches where the pastor had his own agenda. Many times they were controlling and power hungry. Sometimes they were perverted and sexually opportunistic. Some were just mean spirited and could have cared less about the people in their churches.

In my life I've also been privileged to know some pastors and their wives who have exemplified everything that's right about Christianity and the church. They have lovingly cared for the people of their congregation, and a lot of stragglers along the way too. They have been the first at the hospital, the last at the graveside. They've been the ones cleaning up the messes left around in any church, be it glue and glitter in the Sunday school rooms or in people's tattered lives.

I hear a lot of people stereotype the church and pastors and being uncaring and out of touch. But I know that this pastor cares for his people. I know this pastor cares for me. He still takes the time to see how I am. I still takes the time to invest in my life and allow me to share in the life of his congregation. And so does his wife. I love her realness and her willingness to include me in what she's doing as well.

It hasn't been an easy road for the new pastor and his wife these last few years. He was the assistant pastor before and took over the church after the previous pastor had deeply wounded the close knit congregation by his own horrible choices and behavior. At the same time his wife was pregnant with their second child. At a time when many couples would have wanted a quiet peaceful life, they were thrown into the middle of something devastating.

The day the previous pastor got up in front of the church and confessed his behavior that made him unfit for church leadership and stepped down, this new pastor came up to me and said "well, here's another stellar day in your long list of bad church experiences." But even though it was painful, the truth is that it was a stellar day because I saw him and the leadership of the church do the right thing. I saw him step up and be an example of loving concern and care for all of us. And I am thankful for him and for his wife. May their tribe increase, and may God bless them for their faithfulness.

Feel Free To Comment...

2006-06-07T10:02:00.000-07:00
Please feel free to comment on what you read here. I was having trouble being able to enable that. Hopefully it's working now. I would love for this to be a place to kick around some ideas and I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

Jesus Was NOT a Republican

2006-06-07T00:49:00.000-07:00
My liberal friends are convinced that I'm really a liberal and just don't know it yet. My conservative friends probably just worry about me. I actually am pretty conservative in most areas. But I find myself disenfranchised by the republican party in this country and appalled at the state of the national government currently. I know I'm not alone. It's been hard to stand by and watch our personal rights eroded in the name of national security. It's painful to watch all the partisan politics stalemating the possibility of anything being accomplished in Washington. I must confess I'm about one step away from getting a "who would Jesus bomb?" sticker for my car.

Within the Christian subculture there's almost an unspoken rule that we shouldn't be negative against the government. It's ok to criticize any democrats in power, but we need to just "prayerfully support" the republicans. Last time I checked Jesus wasn't a republican. He didn't get sucked into the corrupt system that was functioning at the time. I think we need to wake up and use our minds and not just get sucked into politics as usual.

Today was election day. Once again I found myself to be disturbed by the whole process. When I was young I was excited to finally be able to vote. I wanted to be a part of the whole process. Now that I'm older and more cynical, I realize that most politicians... democrats, republicans or any other variety, are not to be trusted. Too many years working in media and seeing the ugly yellow underbelly of American politics up close left me with the realization that to be a good politician in this country you basically have to be a good liar.

What do I want? I want to just once in my life, vote for someone I can really believe in and support instead of voting for the lesser of two evils. I want to see elected officials who will put aside partisan politics and put the real good of the nation above their own private agendas. I want us as people of faith to not just buy into politicians rhetoric, but hold them accountable based on their actions and not just their propaganda.

What am I going to do? I'm not sure yet. One thing is for sure I don't want to just give lip service to conservative politics. I need to stay informed. I need to be willing to question bad decisions no matter who are making them. I need to be willing to speak up against troubling trends... whether they've been propagated by the left or the right. I need to be careful to not be like the Christians in Nazi Germany who ignored what was going on around them. And I need to dialogue with others and not be afraid to question authority. I'm guessing that there are legions of people who are in the same boat as me. Any comments?

Editing My Thought Bubbles...

2006-06-04T09:44:00.000-07:00
I tend to be a pretty straight forward person. I'm not big into beating around the bush. But I recently realized how much I still edit my thought bubbles when it comes to dealing with "religion" with people. I think what passes for Christianity in this country bears very little resemblance to what Jesus had in mind. I see a lot of vain activity orchestrated by men who are more interested in protecting their jobs than making a difference in the world. In the mean time there are a lot of people who really are living their faith who tend to feel out of place in the big religious machine. I wanted a place to talk about that. Welcome to my blog. Please feel free to join me.